BONGO NEWS BULLETIN
On-Line New York Times Wombat-Doo-Doo-Riddled Lead Inspires Kansan Journalist to Find WMD
By Dale A. Beaulieu, MS, CVT(r)
First the lead.
"In a speech scheduled on short notice at Georgetown University on Thursday, Mr. Tenet will seek 'to correct some of the misperceptions and downright inaccuracies concerning what the intelligence community reported and didn't report regarding Iraq,' an intelligence official said."
(From Feb. 5th, NYTimes on line.)
Let me begin: I commit to making no lame comments about Central Intelligence being an oxymoron. The CIA, to the best of my knowledge, is still American. My brother, Rick, A MARINE, fought for my county. His friends' names are on the Wall in D.C. And my favorite movie is "Mr. Smith Goes to Washington." I bleed red, white and blue. But let me ask you this: does this paragraph give you any confidence that this agency is run intelligently?
I find no evidence to support this conclusion.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't "reported/didn't report" sounds more like teeter-totter than intelligence?
Language use;
1] "misperceptions"
Now, isn't this a *soft*, subtle word? Not lies, not being taking behind the White House and having our ignorant, trusting, collective pattoobees wacked with multiple, thorny, rose-stems from the downright Rose Garden itself. Note the cleverness; a 'perception' that just 'missed" - no, of course not, il n'y a puisque d'intention to deceive WHATSOEVER, no malice, no premeditation, just un peu, slight slip in perception. (oops, my French slips out when angry.)
2] "downright"
A folksy way of putting the fear of Abraham Lincoln into us. It is a farming word, close to former Kansas University basketball coach, Roy Williams, saying "gosh-durn-and-by-golly" when his basketball team loses. Can you hear the farmer's wife, "Bill, you are NOT bringing cow pucky into this house with your boots on; IT IS JUST *DOWNRIGHT* wrong!"?
Back to the farm. Back to the basic human values. Back to traditional marriage. Back to World Marriage Day at my Catholic Church when the man, wearing his gay-hating Boy Scout leader uniform, made a visual statement on marriage that can't be beat, with his arms wrapped sickeningly around his slightly-overweight spouse. (Oops, I can hear Abe's thundering footsteps as he returns those extra pennies. Excuse me I must go in the bathroom and hum "My Country 'Tis of Thee").
On placement: the stronger the adjective, the more cleverly it is placed, the more effective it is. Add to this the fact that George W. repeats himself over and over and over even though coached wonderfully by fifth-grade special education tutor/advisors who lay out his nap mat, feed him chocolate milk and break up his graham crackers in manageable pieces. These folks also paddle his pattoobee when he forgets the Pakistan president's name.
The entire U.S. governmental brainwashing system (OOPS)/information theory is based on one incontrivertible truth: if you say a lie over and over and over, the greater likelihood it will be accepted as truth. Just watch W. arch his eyebrows and look DOWNRIGHT sincere. Pretty good for a man who can't spell Connecticut.
(assist Bongo News)
3] "inaccuracies"
They got us here. I have heard, from comedian David Letterman, that the WMDs are on Mars. I, at first, thought they were hidden in Hussein's spider-hole candy wrappers. We just got so excited looking for lice and food particles in his mouth, we missed the boat.
One email friend of mine thought they were very small and perhaps still hidden within Janet Jackson's pastie, during the Super Bowl. Those rascally Yank-haters kept our attention diverted on her right bre_st, and we - in a perfectly planted and pleasantly, powerful plop-flop - forgot all about WMD.
Where is the Home Security Team when we needed them? This was not tricky; just basic misdirection (see Houdini).
While writing The Crocodile Stone, the fictional story of a the universe's first-ever human-diji to be hollowed by an extraterrestrial termite, I have stumbled onto the location of the WMD. Now, how, you might ask, how did an unemployed, disabled reporter from Roy Williams-forsaken Kansas scoop the New York Times? Good question.
Forgive these guys; they are only the New York Times, with great reporters. But their city is overcrowded. Me, I hail from Kansas, compete with red slippers and Toto too. That's why I can sneak behind the curtain of deceit and find the truth anytime I want.
So, that is just where I looked, in fictional Oz BEHIND THE CURTAIN!
No, wizard whirling! Not even an old dried-up carnival magician! So I went to Arlo-Guthrie-in-my-mind and asked Alice from Alice's Restaurant. She told me her namesake, Alice, from Wonderland, had the WMD under the table at a tea party with the Mad Hatter. But to look out for White Rabbit piddle puddles on the slide down. And to give no credence to the rumor that Professor Plum in the library had anything to do with any of this:
See, see, see!! W. is a Christian conservative. He never lies! THERE ARE WMD!!!
You want those WMD, Bongo News, you want this scoop, hire me? This cafe would probably sigh collectively, "Good riddance!"
Respectfully submitted,
Dale A. Beaulieu, MS, CVT(r)
Bongo News gets first access to this new breaking bulletin.
(Cafe members: If you have extra stamps, write Dale A. Beaulieu, 4 Kemper Court, Lake St. Louis, MO 63367 for an autographed copy of this article.
Send what money you like.
Be part of the Send This Crazy Yank Down Under Movement [STCYDUM] - so he can leave the nasty winter weather of St. Louis, support sunshiine, ancient waterways and make his life's dream come true: locate a bang-up diji teacher.
If you are a bit low on the good coin, cut and paste this article with a fan letter about me to Letters to the Editor @ www.bongonews.com. I would consider this full payment for any chuckles provided. And you, warm-handed cafe friends, would help put the beau-ster back to full time employment. And stop my early morning boh-diddling cold. I call that a win-win situation.
Hugs to all,
Dale A. Beaulieu, MS, CVT(r)
