Otoharo!
I created a melodrama for myself yesterday and today that brought me up sharp. As always, melodrama brings out lessons in bold releif! Teaching that reiki I class was a great inspiration. At the same time, I have brought myself to a crisis in writing music. One top of that, I meet one of my old companions at the super market. She wanted to get together with me and a mutual friend. All these super events converged at the same time. In sharing my feelings and impressions with my partner, I came up against a realization that I do not have privy to the spiritual information that she does. This stimmied me. Why was that? From various feedbacks, I also recognized that I am not being punished, but I have brought this condition on myself by allowing a sludge type energy to clog up my works.
Looking back at how I live my life, i found that I fill up gaps of time, with reading, working puzzles, playing solataire, etc. These intellectual activities invited ego system back in! Back to square one. I am not generalizing here, but I can not afford to do anything intellectual. I had allowed ego so strong an influence in my life, the least little opening and I have lost it!
As a result of this melodrama, I renewed my choice to BE MYSELF only, with no ego at all. That is my prime choice now. All other choices I make sure are harmonious with this prime one. And as a result of an invitation to reenter social activity, I discovered this music I write does not belong to me. I can not use it without getting permission. Ordinarily, i write one melody right after I arise. Today, i have received a number of them all during the day. The value of it has changed completely in my perception. I invited these old friends to come and hear me play! Well, the shit hit the fan so to speak! how does one wiggle out of this situation without causeing hurt feelings. Actually, I think we all have hurt feelings as a result of my blundering. When I had a CD burned, several years ago, that music was my story. It was mine. But this that comes now is not mine.
The only people I talk to are you on this board, my reiki partner, and now my two students. Of course occasional contact with local residents, one old gardening friend nearing the age of ninety. I am just not able to sustain social relationships. Ego system is strong in these. I still have to remain primarily in silence and solitude. And with music.
What kind of spiritual path is this? As Enya says, "Pilgrim, it's a long way to find out who you are". And its even a longer way to become that.
finality
