The Hoboken Cafe 

ARMSTADT, Germany (Reuters) -- Even though a Mars probe has failed to signal it has landed, scientists at the European Space Agency said on Friday the primary mission goal to put a satellite in orbit around Mars was achieved.

News from Mars, however, was decidedly different. The Martian Ambassador today announced their intent to "bust a cap in somebody's ass" if the "Earth folk" dropped another lander on them. The ambassador went on to claim the latest attempt to land a scientific instrument package on the Red Planet actually hit his personal vehicle.

"Look what dey did to my damn car!" the ambassador, disguised as a homeless psychotic person in downtown Memphis, TN, insisted. "I'll kick their ass. Dropin' landers and shit all over. Look at that mess!"

The ambassador refused further questions regarding a possible response from Mars, saying only that somebody owed him "a new damn car."

Developing....