Santa Clara, CA (AP) - HotJobs, the popular internet job search site, announced today that it had attained its goal of becoming 100% useless.
"We're delighted to have reached this milestone," said Terry Semel, CEO of Yahoo, the parent company of HotJobs. "Yahoo has been striving to make HotJobs the absolute worst in job search sites since its acquisition last year, and we have succeeded beyond even our most optimistic expectations."
Shares of Yahoo soared on the HotJobs news, rising $12.25 to close at a 52-week high of $35.50, in a dismal trading session that saw the NASDAQ composite plummet nearly 5%. The HotJobs news was the latest indication that Semel's strategy of transforming Yahoo into a "portal of shit," or POS, was showing tangible results.
According to statistics from Jupiter Research, HotJobs now carries more fake job posts than its chief rival, Monster.com. Alex Stone, internet analyst at Jupiter, stated that passing Monster was an astonishing achievement for HotJobs. "This shows that the HotJobs strategy of recycling the same bogus job posts over and over, month after month, has really paid-off handsomely," Stone said. "HotJobs has perfected the ability to provide users with completely useless, dated and fake jobs, regardless of the search criteria that users provide."
Stone declined a reporter's request to touch his gel-spiked hair.
Yahoo's Semel indicated that there are more exciting developments ahead for HotJobs. "We have made tremendous advances in our JobSpam and RecruitScam technologies," Semel said. "In the future, users can expect that all their friends and family members will also receive email notifications for completely irrelevant jobs and recruiting come-ons. This opens whole new markets for us."
HotJobs, acquired by Yahoo last year in an effort to compete against the likes of Monster.com in the $7 billion bogus job search business, was once a somewhat useful job search engine. Now, with the changes brought under Yahoo's new leadership, it is completely, utterly and irretrievably fucked.
"We worked hard to achieve this level of uselessness," said Semel. "Yahoo is well on its way to becoming a fully-integrated, one-stop POS."
When asked to comment, competitors Monster.com and Dice.com stated that, while the HotJobs achievement is impressive, users should not expect the competition to remain idle. "We anticipate that our site will become 107% useless in the second quarter," noted Matt Jenkins, CEO of Dice.com. "We're not going to allow HotJobs to grab a monopoly on uselessness." A spokeswoman for Monster.com echoed these sentiments. "We've been the absolute worst since day one, and we fully intend to remain the market leader in crappiness."
