For my brother,
Found this in an older folder, about my resisting beauty, healing, light and huddling in the familiar dark of self-loathing, of living in the self-lodge of fear.
Fun to read, for now, daily, I walk into light as if it was prepared for me since the dawn of creation. Blessings all.
God, this pain, was, my identity, unthinkably blended with my IAM. I would have laughed at anyone who told me freedom was a perception shift away.
~
Oh, Light
Terrible light! Shattering light!
Let me come back, return.
Re-welcome me to the womb-home.
Oh, Light,
in furtive trembling, I hide.
I hide from you, My Great Self.
Your limitlessness terrifies me.
Your freedom suffocates me.
I am choked at the raw, wondrous possibility of you.
Your true seeing is as a brutal rape at the core of my twisted, miscreated wound-self.
I gasp once more
for the familiar stench of putrid air.
By its juice I breathe.
The vomit of embryonic fluid enfolds me.
I ache to come home to
the soft lullaby of self-hate that
has been my life-source,
which ...
rocks and cradles,
rocks and cradles,
rocks and cradles me,
in the safety of the Great Womb, Fear.
Comfort me, Ancient Dark.
Reassure me, Old Friend.
Hold me close, Wise Lie.
In your Empty-Mother arms,
I have built a life,
sustained a soul,
fed an aching, twisted heart.
Why do you now, in this Light's presence, abandon me,
your faithful son?
Warning!
If you no longer provide nourishment,
I may, just for kicks, poke my head out of me,
the concentration-camp dweller,
and turn to this invader-Light ...
to see if shining is food.
Here goes.
Olly-Olly-in-com-free!!
Shine Light! Shine Light!
(whispered)
"Light, if I emerge one tiny bit,
please touch my broken, almost nub-like wick
(I will thaw to your touch alone.)
And one day,
if the Ancient Mother is distracted
by screams from my brother,
I will tremble,
no longer in fear,
dark nor hiding,
but in the glorious
anticipation of unraveling,
necessary to enter
into a fresh, new life,
forged in the blazing dawn of grace.
Boh
