The Reiki Cafe 

How do you heal from a crossed boundary on the part of a master you once trusted?
This is a wise teacher who made an inappropriate comment to me and now I'm having a hard time going back to the circle.
I'd like to put it behind me but I'm discouraged.
Any comments?
Thanks and peace to you all.

coyotesong,

/*\ Namaste :-}}

- does the Teacher know he\she made (perhaps inadvertently) a comment you felt was inappropriate??

- remember as well, we are not always ready to hear everything that is said to us (though this would not necessarily excuse an intentional boundary crossing, as you put it)

- perhaps talk to the 'master'??

>:-}}

Reiki All Around,

All Blessings,

Firekeeper

Namaste, Firekeeper,
He does not know that I felt it was innapropriate. At the time I was a bit stunned and kind of joked it off and left.
I understand that this is not the first time he's made someone feel this way.
Now I feel a bit weird about him putting his hands on me again---though I want to learn from him and continue my group, which is full of Masters who are willing to give freely of their wisdom---something I don't want to pass up.
Maybe I need to be secure in my own space, take what I want and leave the rest. If I am clear about where I am, I think he will be, too. But.....yuck, ya know????

Dear CoyoteSong,
Maybe you could reveal what it was he said as now I am curious. My male Reiki master made some somewhat sexual comment to me and someone called him a dirty dog and we all laughed except he didn't laugh too hard. I don't believe he believed he was that. He was just picking up some sexual stuff I think. Who knows.
peace,
Prosperity

coyotesong,

/*\ Namaste :-}}

- you said in part: "I understand that this is not the first time he's made someone feel this way."

- we must be responsible for our own feelings and reactions

- another person cannot make us feel one way or another

- I still feel a private discussin with this person might be in order unless the matter was, in retrospect, more minor than at first blush

- good luck in your group

Reiki All Around,

All Blessings,

Firekeeper

Well, it was kind of a string of events, at first I wasn't sure if he was coming on to me or being nurturing. He is married and he's about 30 years older than I am, so I saw him more as a grandfatherly figure. Thought I was being paranoid when the red flags started to go up.

The first two times I received Reiki from him,I was moved to tears and had beautiful visions in bright colors. It was an intense experience for both of us. I'm very sad it went in another direction for him; I was really hoping it could be different for men of maturity and insight.

Please feel free to email me and I'll give you details.

Do allow me to rephrase that.

While speaking with a mentor in the same group I was made aware that someone else had also reported feeling that he had acted inappropriately.

My reaction is mine alone and I alone am responsible for it.

But I cannot excuse the actions of people who behave in a slimy manner by blaming my reaction to them, either. I guess I have been struggling with the question, does it have more to do with me, or more to do with him? And that's why I haven't gone ahead and confronted him. The fact that someone else also brought the subject up is leading me to believe that it's not just me.

I will proceed with caution.

Peace and thanks.

coyotesong,

/*\ Namaste :-}}

- agreed, the person to whose behavior you reacted is responsible for his behavior just as you note that you are responsible for your behavior and feelings

- and, certainly he would not be able to excuse his actions were he to insinuate that, somehow, you 'made him do or say something inappropriate'

>:-}}

- a quiet discussion of the matter does not need to be a 'confontation'

- and, perhaps it won't occur again in which case there won't be too many lumps in the carpet

>:-}}

Reiki All Around,

All Blessings,

Firekeeper

Yes, that is what I'm hoping, that if I am clear in my actions, intentions, and what I allow in, the carpet will remain smooth!

I also like the idea of making light of it---bringing laughter in to the situation. That really suits me.

I am so grateful for your willingness to discuss this with me.

coyotesong,

/*\ Namaste :-}}

- a valuable discussion for myself, as well. Thank you.

>:-}}

Reiki All Around,

All Blessings,

CoyoteFirekeeper

Dear Coyotesong,
A wise man would not knowingly make remarks that made you squirm. Perhaps he isnt wise or just didnt realize that he would make you uncomfortable. There is often more behind people's actions than we can surmise ourself.
If you want to stay in the group then I agree you will have to tell him in private that you were uncomfortable. Since each individual has different boundaries, crossing over can be rather easy if one is not careful. ( I come from an era where children kissing each other in grade school was not a bad thing, nowadays that is apparently inappropriate!)
A RM is no different than anyone else, he/she is a human being.Hands on treatments require appropriate behaviour and respect at all times.

peace & joy,
holobon

No healing will occur by doing nothing, and there is a situation that needs healing. Set the intent to heal this issue and then...

try - "When you said ... that made me feel..." - and remember that he is not a Master of social interaction, so he has much to learn from others - including you.
If he rejects the feedback that passes the entire problem to him and frees you of it.

Love
Chris (who has been known to put his foot in it before now).

Someone once told me that no one "made" me feel anyway, only I could do that. It is a small difference in terminology but points to a major difference in thinking. Our feelings come from us, not from others. So exploring why we feel the way we do & why we react the way we do is necessary. Before we "confront" someone else, we need to confront ourselves first.
Emotions can come up so fast that we may never see that they are tied to issues other than the situation we find ourselves in.
I dislike confrontation, but in all honesty, when I have approached someone to discuss an issue ( not accuse) I have been surprised at how often it is positive. The most amazing time involved confronting a supervisor with HER supervisor present. Yeah, I was shaking in my boots because the rest of the staff who felt the same way all denied it when asked, out of fear of reprisal. So, by being honest to her face,I was out on a limb by myself. Nearly fell out of my chair when she told me that she had been told the very same thing before & it was a personality issue, she appreciated hearing it because it meant she had to readdress the issue. She told me that she had respect for the courage it took to say that to her face & now that it was in the open she hoped we could get past it & work together, which we did. Okay, many situations wont turn out that way & there are certainly many that common sense says, let it be! But many issues between people are due to miscommunication. The only way to correct it is open up. Im a clam by nature & it isnt easy for me but it does work most of the time. If someone rebuffs your attempt, oh well, you can walk away knowing you tried. And who knows, you may have planted a seed that will grow over time.
peace & joy,
holobon

Dear Cactus Chris,
It's good you are aware you have done the foot in the mouth thang. And thank you for your reply as I sometimes need re reminders to set the intention to "heal" situations; problems rather than sit in it to gloat in powerless ness. thanks, I needed to hear that myself.
peace,
Prosperity

I think I may have been away from the cafe too long because I dont feel as gracious as the rest of you. WHY should coyote song feel apologetic or doubtful about what happened?? Too many times people in positions of trust abuse their power,often with the knowledge that the victim will doubt themselves. Thats what predators do. There is never an excuse for it. It is abuse of power, end of story!
love and light and sorry for the rant
Allycat

Thank you, allycat.
Amidst the very spot-on advice to be responsible for my own reactions, I wondered where were the folks who might hold this Master accountable. I wasn't feeling gracious either and I was beginning to doubt myself.
I don't adhere to a victim mentality; I feel that in this journey we are so very rarely victims of outside forces. But what he said was creepy and ill-mannered. I hold him accountable for that.
It's very sad, because some really amazing things were happening between us in an energy-healing sense. I always looked forward to receiving energy from him because it was a powerful and moving experience. I TRUSTED him, not only because he is a master but also because he is much older than I am. When he said what he said it was like someone ripping the needle across the record player---an abrupt halt to everything I thought was beautiful between us---stuff that I thought transcended the fact that we were of the opposite sex.
Can I ever trust another male master? Even if I discuss this with him and tell him where I stand, I don't think I'd ever fully trust his intentions again, and I probably shouldn't. Can a connection between males and females ever just be a cool experience without it having to turn into a sexual thing??? Any reactions from male practitioners? I'm feeling pretty discouraged and jaded.

Thanks for all your help and support.

Dear Coyotesong....

I guess I didn't get at first reading exactly what you were saying. On this post, I do. I must say I had the same experience with a male healer and pretty much broke off from him totally. But I was left with the same questions you have.
Especially the one that if there is a situation between a man and woman, does it always have a sexual aspect to it?

I finally had this question answered for me on my new job, the staff of which is mainly men. And my faith was restored. It took some time gettting over my suspicious nature with my new boss, but fortunately, I don't think he ever caught on.

Yes, some men are predators....and I wonder sometimes if they become "healers", just so they're in a power position. But I'm happy to say, that most men aren't.

Best wishes,
Roxy

Abuse is not acceptable. But it is not always possible to tell exactly what happenned from posts here. Not to say that more info should be given, thats not the point. People infer what they can & answer to the best of their ability. To assume that means to anyone here that abuse is acceptable is a bit of a leap. Women & men have to stand up for themselves & inappropriate touching or remarks are not part of Reiki. We do have a responsibility to look beyond "he or she is a Reiki Master" !! They are people! Do not put blind faith in anyone or anything.I have found that people are slow to believe that someone else who is Reiki is crossing a boundary.
Life is full of people who dont deserve our faith. Those that do make up for the rest.
My heart goes out to anyone who has had their faith shattered. However, you will likely become a more aware practitioner & not allow such antics in your practice.
peace & joy,
holobon

I knew as soon as I typed the word "victim" it was the wrong word... not sure what would be the right word really..."recipient of inappropriate behaviour" might be better.
It is shattering and so deeply disappointing to have the trust between you broken. But broken it is and now it has shown him for what he really is. Not very spiritual at all.
I wont colour your judgement of the opposite sex with my opinions that would be most unfair.
Keep your chin up coyotesong, remember you have been hurt and need healing. There really are a lot of genuine people out there.
Love and light
Allycat

Some relatively "tough" responses follow, with due respect.

coyotesong said on

I TRUSTED him, not only because he is a master but also because he is much older than I am.

Well, neither of those things is a particularly good basis for trust. (Cf. priests who've been raping children.) Someone previously posted a question about whether reiki practice changes the practitioner's character. The experience you mentioned shows that severe shortcomings can remain in reiki masters.

>Can I ever trust another male master?

It's your call, based on how much trauma the incident caused, and I seriously doubt that anyone else here can answer that. If you can't trust another male master, then don't deal w/ male reiki masters.

Can a connection between males and females ever just be a cool experience without it having to turn into a sexual thing???

Of course.

Bruce

Otoharo!

Long before I knew reiki, I was a member of staff of a mental health clinic. I was the social worker. the phychologist was a person who never passed his exam but did weekly meet with our staffing of clients to interpret their (I foget the name of the exam they each took. May it was MMPI or something like that). Anyway, we are members of staff. However, when he and I met with a certain client he was very snotty with me and sort of insinuated to he client a put down of me. After the session with the client, I told him his behavior was very difficult for me. Some of the reason for this was that I had a crush on him, knowing he was married, I did nothing about it. I asked him to take this into consideration, please. He was dumbfounded. Many years later we both were in a situation together. My feelings had resolved in the meantime. I think he was looking forward to getting something personal with me, as he was then single, but I was not interested.

Each time I read something on this thread, I think about this experience. which is probably the otherside view.

finality

Well i think i am missing the specifics of what exactly was done.

As for males. Well we are all different and varied. Being mad at all males has always been an odd concept because unless you know all of us who can say.

As for what happened, it is sad to hear of your negative experiences.

Other than making you feel "uncomfortable" i am not sure exactly what transpired so it is hard to give a rounded out view.

One of the employees i worked with considered "shovel butt" an inappropriate statement. Yet to most folks it's childish silliness no one above the age of 13 could find offense with.

I think the answers have been given from a standpoint that the posters don't know the ins and outs of the whole thing and are trying to address your concerns as well as the fact that sometimes people are oversensitive.

Everyone could have immediately jumped up and said the reiki master was evil and to be avoided and fully responsible. Then you go " okay yeah see they support me" then go chew out or make a big deal out of what isn't.

To me what was given was the responsible view. But i understand your feelings of possibly feeling unsupported in the way you were hoping for.

I have had plenty of relationships with female friends that has been nothing but friendship

coyotesong,

Hi,

Betrayal is never easy; some betrayals being more serious than others, of course. And it needs to be said that there are 'predatory' women out there as well. I suspect we just don't hear about them as often because the potential for 'abuse' in these instances seems, on the whole, to be rated as less serious than when it is the male who is the 'predator'.

And, we all need to be responsible for our own signals to others. Another area where mindfulness of our intentions and actions can be crucial.

Cheers,

RC

Dear Coyotesong, and everyone,

What a thoughtful discussion on a very fertile topic!

As a male Reiki Master, I myself have stumbled with improper comments. Why? Because I did not realize how vulnerable I was to unconscious motivations within myself. I ended up apologizing deeply to the person I had offended, and redoubling my efforts to: (1) understand and receive healing within my inner landscape, and (2) line up support for maintaining the highest ethical behavior.

In the social work and therapy professions, therapists and counselors are subject to very demanding codes of ethics, and avail themselves regularly of consulting and peer review to keep themselves on track. They avoid dual relationships; there are strict rules about that. They have extensive literature and support for maintaining the highest ethical behavior, so that the public may continue to trust their profession.

Teaching and giving Reiki puts us in at least as sensitive a relationship to our students and clients. Engaging in another's energy fields is one of the most intimate acts there is. Trust is paramount. So, why shouldn't we, as teachers and practitioners, study and thoughtfully consider the ethical principles that therapists have followed for a long time?

If you think, well, I'm not like that, I wouldn't be tempted in any situation, then you might be underestimating the power of your shadow side. We all have it, the parts we keep hidden from ourselves. Reiki people are not exempt from the laws of the psyche; if anything, we are hyper-sensitive to them.

Male or female, we are all vulnerable. We want to help everyone, so...what do you do when a student or client comes along who pushes all your buttons, in terms of attraction or aversion, or a combination? Do you think, well, the Reiki will protect us, besides, I've always been able to master these feelings? Or do you say, politely and respectfully to the other person, "you know, you might be much better suited to work with [name of another Reiki person]".

It is good to have support in place, a responsible other person you can consult with, BEFORE these situations arise. So that when you are on the verge of following an impulse that feels dangerous, you can first pick up the phone and talk it out.

I've gone somewhat beyond your original question, Coyotesong, that's because I feel strongly about the topic, even without having stumbled myself, and so have taken the opportunity to get on the soapbox. Our being taken seriously as Reiki professionals hinges on public perception of our ethical standards. Although good intent and Reiki go a long way, thoughtful effort is also needed. Read books on this, ask a social worker or therapist, and make yourself knowledgeable about how even the best-intentioned professional can succumb to ethical pitfalls. The effort you put into this will pay off in higher quality of practice and more ease and joy in your practice.

Thank you for your kind attention, all! Hope it's useful.

Blessings,
Aronaya

Otoharo!

Well said!

finality