The Reiki Cafe 

Hi,

I am fortunate to not have had any severe illnesses besides some chronic depression which has never been clinical or too deep. So how do I respond when someone who is always ill, is always telling me the lastest symptoms, medications, pains, etc. It seems to be that this person focuses on illness so it becomes a reality. Any tips on what to say to this person as she also claims to be happy. It almost feels like a competition. Like no one could possibly have been through as much as me. Am I just being heartless?

peace,
Prosperity

Prosperity,

No, I don't think you are being heartless and this person may very well be happy. Some people get a lot of attention by being sick. Sounds as if this person may be one of those since it seems that they are so willing to share their symptoms and treatments.

How to respond? Depends on how fed up you are. :-) Much more tactfully than I would in any case I'm sure.

Walk in beauty,
Rebecca

Dear Rebecca,

Thanks for your response and I am fed up with it yet at the same time care about this person a great deal. I usually say I'm sorry. I agree that she gets alot of attention being sick yet is suffering and may have some suppressed anger or something. It's a scary situation for me as I tend to worry and she has told me that without me, she would die. I gradually weaned myself away and she seems to be well taken care of by others yet will still do the sick and ready to die routine.

THANKS AGAIN,
peace,
Prosperity

Dear Prosperity,

To be told "without you, I'd die", sounds like blackmail to me.

Rock On!
Roxy

prosperity,

/*\ Namaste :-}}

- you asked, in part: "So how do I respond when someone who is always ill, is always telling me the lastest symptoms, medications, pains, etc."

- frankly, if you were asking me this question directly (that is, in person, and I was not your therapist) I might feel as if you were trying (knowngly or not) to drag me into the relationship as some sort of buffer or mediator or??

- have you given some thought to your "needs" in maintaining this relationship??

- by the way, what is the nature of your relationship to this person?? Blood relative? Other relative?? Friend?? To some extent, the type of relationship can help guide one in how to deal with what are, at least in part, 'communication' issues (both ways, it seems)

Reiki All Around,

All Blessings,

Firekeeper

I have a very good friend who has RA and has had it all of his life. Sometimes it is so bad that he literally can't get out of bed to go to the bathroom.

He is not generally a complainer, learned long ago that it just makes him more miserable, but because his flare ups can be so bad and some last for months it is a common topic of conversation.

It can be difficult to listen to a laundry list of what seem to be complaints, even though they are simply facts of daily living over an extended period of time. A person who is ill shouldn't have to keep it a 'secret' so that others aren't involved but there is a limit to what a person can listen to.

I've always said I'm willing to commiserate with someone a couple of times but then they have to do something about their problem because I'm not here to feed them my energy in support of their difficulties if they aren't doing anything to change the situation. They need to help themselves as well.

Sometimes though even when helping themselves the problem remains (especially when it is a health related issue). When it gets to be too much for me I step back a little and don't call for awhile. When I fell I can deal with it again then I give him a call and find out how he is doing.

He has never however told me he would 'die without me' that is a sick statement. Manipulative at the least and this is someone I would distance myself from. They are never going to get well. (physically or emotionally) They have been working this game for a very long time.

Walk in beauty,
Rebecca

Namaste Firekeeper,
Sorry about that. Not meaning to draw you in as a buffer. My needs in maintaining this relationship is to remain on a friendly basis. I don't want to make a big deal about it as she would tell others and probably make me seem like an angry person to illicit more sympathy as she's talked about others that way who have told her she does too much drama or ignored her. I don't want to do ignore. I was thinking of asking her if she's ever heard of the Law of Attraction or that she is playing victim but that may sound too harsh. I quess I ought to talk to my psychologist. Thanks,
peace,
Prosperity

Dear Roxy,
True yet I took it as a joke or that she was talking her talk. Thanks for putting a name on it. I tend to trivialize the obvious.
peace,
{Prosperity

Dear Rebecca,
Sounds true about her working the game as it does seem like that. And feeling guilt with her statement about how she would die without me. My negative thoughts about it is most likely holding me back in life. It's like the Princess feeling the pea under the mattresses. It's hard for me to let go as well. Relationships, possessions, etc.
She gets up and attempts to make a living and do good, yet I know it's hard for her at times and yet when I see her in public she seems to be having a great time. And she could be in tremendous pain for all I know. It is a challenging situation.
thanks for your imput,
Much appreciated,
Peace,
Prosperity

Prosperity,

I know what you mean. My friend will go dancing in the middle of a flare up because he has to have some sort of normalcy in his life. He refuses to give up until or unless the pain just gets to be too much to bear.

We never really know about anyone do we? We all look in from the outside and have no real idea of what is really happening behind the mask. Most people would never know how much pain my friend was in or even that he had RA. He works very hard at not overwhelming people with his problem and doing for himself as much as possible but I can see where it could be very easy to let other people do things for you that you are able to do yourself when you've got problems.

This person is after all only human and probably got sucked into her own game without ever realizing what was happening. By now it has become a part of her and the behavior is unconscious. (at least one hopes that she isn't doing it purposefully)

About the guilt. Stop It! :-) Do what you can or what you are comfortable with and don't worry about more or feel badly that you aren't doing more. Be mindful of your own needs and energy first.

Walk in beauty,
Rebecca

Otoharo!

Prosperity, I have not read the forgoing messages so I may be saying the same thing. I know this is the way the world is going right now, therefore, I would simply smile, acknowledge her without referring to her symptoms. And let it all pass. Enjoy her regardless. If it gets so that you do not enjoy her for herself, then just be busy when she calls or comes by.

finality

prosperity,

/*\ Namaste :-}}

- no apology necessary (but accepted, of course, in the spirit in which it was given)

>:-}}

- I was merely pointing out that were I to give you advice on "how to respond" I would, in response to your question, be putting myself in the matter where I do not belong

- it sounds as if what she says about you matters a very great deal (and I am not sure why you give her such power)

- what is her relationship to you?? Relative? Friend?

Reiki All Around,

All Blessings,

Firekeeper

Dear Finality,

I agree yet I have this urge nagging at me to tell her to STFU as she is injuring herself. How can I help others when people like her annoy me and may possibly be injuring me by dragging me down as well. Or so it seems like it yet I could be wrong. I will consider doing the I'm busy routine. Thanks for reminding me of that option and I'm smiling and thanks for listening.

peace,
Prosperity

Dear Firekeeper,

Thank you. She is a friend/and former teacher. I'm not sure I can really respond to someone who is always focused on illness so to ask, "how do I respond" may be the wrong question. How do I not react is probably more appropriate. I suppose her being a teacher of Reiki is what bothers me as she is supposed to be somewhat of an example. I can see someone in the dying process but she acts as if she's dying and has been doing it for over 10 years.
As for gossip about me. It can hurt people. A great teacher once said that if you kill someone they are dead and it's over, however gossip can hurt for 7 generations so it's worse than murder. I suppose I'm gossiping yet noone knows who I'm talking about. I myself like to give people my opionion at times of what I would do and I appreciate your boundry setting on how it may not be your business to intervene.

peace,

Prosperity

Hi Prosperity,

You cannot change her behaviour, but you can change your reaction to it. By changing your reaction, she may(or may not) react in turn by beginning to change her behaviour. People tend to act in a certain way because it 'works' for them. If they stop getting the expected reaction(their reward) then they sometimes find it is pointless continuing to behave in that way.

Gentle Blessings
Helen

Namaste ....

"People like her annoy me" - if you look back to Rainbow`s gentle posting, you will find the answer to this. We allow people to annoy us because we choose to - or we could, if we wish, choose to re-act differently, and not become annoyed.

The problem, as you see it, is her behaviour. You cannot change anyone else, only yourself. If she is happy, and she does not consider that she has a problem, then that is her right. Therefore it is for you to deal with your problem, if you so wish, not her perceived problem.

Hope this may help, but I wish you every success in dealing with your feelings.
Love and light
philanty

Dear Rainbow,
yes I agree about how we can't change anyone but ourselves so I did respond to her recently without the I'm sorry part and just acknowledged her without reference to her illness, pain, meds, etc. that she went on and on about.
I do need the re-reminders.
peace,
Prosperity

Dear Philanty,

Yes, it does help. I do not want to get into that mode or knee jerk emotional reaction to anyone and I just haven
't quite mastered that skill yet. I do appreciate your comments.

thank you.

peace,

Prosperity

Sound like this is really bothering you too.

Have you tried mirroring back to to this person?

This mean you give no advise .Only mirror back what they say
means you are listening.Then perhaps you will see your part clearer too.

Brightest Blessings

Dear Mystical,

I suppose I could do that. Basically repeat what she says back to her. It does bother me alot as the nature ceof Reiki is one of healing and so part of dealing with sick ones is to help them on the path to recovery and I believe I can see & tell those who are bull-sh-tting themselves and that makes me angrey. Thank you for mentioning to mirror as I needed to hear that and do that.

peace,

Prosperity

Just a thought:

what do YOU get from this relationship?

bhe

Dear bhe,
Good question. We send each other gratitudes and basic friendship although she lists her illnesses also in her gratitude lists.
peace,
Prosperity