The Reiki Cafe 

I just want to thank everyone who have given me a lending hand in dealing with my parent's divorce. There was much growing and forgiving to be done during the events. So many things led to my father seeking guidance, giving up alcohol, and working for the higher good. He has been going to counseling and has learned many lessons in the past couple months. Tonight, he moved back into the house and things are feeling better. I can only hope and pray that he will continue his climb to a healthy lifestyle.

Thanks everyone!
Meg

Otoharo!

Yooperreiki,

I was a counselor in a clinic for those with alcohol problems for many years. It is glorious when someone takes the step to heal himself. I am writing simply to caution you not expect a once and for all happening. Sometimes people waver. It always begins though with one step.

finality

Don't worry. I've dealt with his problem my entire life. THis isn't the first time hes gone for help, but it is the first time he has made real progress because he is truly trying. So, I am thankful.

Meg

Hi Meg,

I know what you are talking about. I grew up in this scenario. My words of advice are to make sure you take care of you during this process. I ended up with abandonment issues that manifested into 17 years of eating disorders. I'm okay now, but it was a long and treacherous battle to forgive self and those involved.

Love him where he is. And acknowledge that you are only repsonsible for you. You own your feelings, your thoughts and your actions. Learn this early enough and you save yourself from a lot of pain.

Love you unconditionally and you will be able to extend the same to others.

Love,
Kimberlee

Thank you Kimberlee.

I look at him everyday and things pop back that he has said and done, but I realize that he has been through a lot and he had reasons for doing things. They weren't good reasons, but in his mind, they were truth for the moment. He's learning and trying, and I can't cut him down for that. My biggest struggle in life has been forgiveness and it's something I need to learn. I think he'll help me with that. I just have to keep reminding me that stuff he said or did was due to things he thought were truths at that moment, not now.

Meg

As Yoda said "there is no try, only do." Putting the focus on ourself and considering alanon meetings as alcoholics are our qualifiers for those meetings. WE have a right to not trust them and to be angry for emotional abuse. Moms make mistakes in not taking kids out of the house with her somewhere during alcoholics' drinking sprees and letting him abuse kids and not telling kids to never ever take what an alcoholic says personally.

peace,

prosperity

Hi Meg,

Yes, forgiveness is key. When we forgive, we release the chains that bind us to an experience. People will do things that dissappoint us througout our whole lives. But we have a choice on how to respond. At each moment, we can ask ourselves how we can learn from this, or how we can grow from it. It's about being objective. When I chose to forgive, it was as if I was the counselor and client at the same time. I stepped outside of my pain and saw that the other person was simply responding according to what they knew to be their truth at that time. I don't think people deliberately try to hurt us. I think their own inner struggles are so encompassing that they don't realize what they are doing to others. The 12 steps teaches them to surrender to God for help and part of this process is to do a self inventory and ask for forgiveness of others they have hurt along the way.

For us, we have to be honest about our emotions, let them surface, express them, then go back to the root thought and forgive, release the chains, and choose to look at the situation differently.

Until our greatest challenges are our brightest blessings, we have some inner work to do.

It is a process that is worth the work. I promise. I look back at where I was then and where I am now and am truly blessed for having walked through those experiences. It only makes the depth of my compassion deeper and my understanding more complete. Being on the other side of it, healing from the inside out has provided me with an opportunity to help others find peace and to offer a path that leads to forgiveness and unconditional love of self and others.

Love & Hugs!
Kimberlee

Otoharo!

Kimberlee, All your words sound really good. there is a hint any be abdocating yourself in order to allow another person. First allow yourself, then the other person.

Maybe I have missed some conversation. I will go back and check.

finality

Hi Finality,

I'm not sure I'm following what you are saying?

Kimberlee ;o)

Otoharo!

Kimberlee, Here it is again. If you are talking about an alcoholic, the part of the brain that functions may not have any connection with the real person's thoughts and feelings. This is why it is essential to take care of yourself and love yourself in this situation, and not put up with it.

Forgiveness works, yes. But rationalizing does not work. Forgive the person who exhibited unacceptable behavior. And do not rationalize his unacceptableness. That is where there is discrepancy. Forgive. Say, I do not agree with what you said, nor in your behaviour, but I forgive you, anyway. Forgiveness does not say it is OK to do it, or that it was OK to do it at any time.

Forgiveness is separate from condoning behavior. Or even accepting behavior. Forgiveness allows you to be free of entanglement. Love is never entanglement.

You have a right to decide, choose, what is acceptable behavior to you or not.

finality

I agree about forgiveness. Writing down the persons name ____ I forgive you over and over helps. Also important to remember is not to play victim yet children are the real victims so this is a tough one as the situation sounds dysfunctional to me yet I do not know all the details. Sometimes it's also OK NOT to forgive until you are ready if they ask you for forgiveness then you can decide. Otherwise it's not good to tell them you forgive them. The alcoholic also is the one who suffers and doesn't need other adults around to play victim. If that makes sense.
Peace,
Prosperity

Hi Finality,

I didn't and wouldn't advocate negative behavior, but rather came to the realization that holding a grudge was detrimental to my emotional and physical health and my ego kept serving this up for review to the point that I was lost within it all.

In releasing my emotional tie (grasping), I was free to discover (make room for pondering) more about the love that I had within.

So, I advocate acknowledging one's feelings about stuff, and then releasing the pain through forgiveness. It's just accepting where people are. Not accepting what they did as okay.

Kimberlee ;o)

Kimberlee, beautifully said.

finality