The Reiki Cafe 

Am I overly naive or optimistic? I do not fear getting old. I feel that I will continue to grow spiritually and continue to find joy in life. I know that I may suffer illness, and that when death comes, I might fear the transition, as change is never easy. But I trust that I will move into peace. And I trust that I will find helpful people when I need them. My problem is my mother, as she gets older, gets more and more anxious and troubled, intensely, intensely panicked. She worries about everyone in the family, as she feels they make poor decisions, and what will happen when she is not there to bail them out. She keeps talking in circles and getting more and more panicky. Sometimes, I just have to tell her I cannot listen anymore. She is overall very healthy and of keen intellect at 79, and I have been able to help her stay healthy with herbs and nutritional advice. However, she often spins off into panic over the possibility of being helpless and alone. I don't live closeby, so of course, this has the effect of inducing guilt. And then I begin to feel anxious myself and wonder if I am just closing my eyes to the reality of getting old. It really brings me down to talk to her at times. It begins to make ME feel anxious and depressed. Any helpful wisdom or healing thoughts, here?
Thanks!
Feather

Hi Feather
Overly naive? I don't think so. I see getting old as a state of mind, Ok the body slows down a bit and you can no longer do some of things that you used to with so much vigour, but you have expieriance on your side.

My problem at the moment is also my Mother. She had cancer a couple of years back and has recently been diagnosed with a Hiatus hernia, which has brought on so many changes for her in what she can eat. She is also waiting for the results of a scan on her stomach. I feel that a lot of the problems she has been suffering recently with the Ill feeling she is getting is down to food allergies, along with the acid reflux she is suffering. Classic symptons. Eat bread, feel bloated. Eat cheese, feel wierd for the next 24 hours or so.
At 72 years old (My Mum) I don't see her as old, but her attitude is sort of going that way. Glimpses of her own mortality and worry about who she will leave and things like you have described with your Mother.
She is not as active as she once was, and also not as strong and resilient as she once was.
I live back at home these days, so I have it every day.
Pointless arguments. You know (LOL) Like she wants to go shopping and wants me to take her (I have no problem with that) but she always seems to want to do it when I am deeply involved in something and then gets moody because I say I will go at X o clock, when she feels she want to go now. Or like there is an empty kitchen, so I start to cook my main meal of the day and all of a sudden she is standing where I need to stand, Like I want to put something away, but she stands by the cupboard, so I put it down so as not to disturb her and then get moaned at for not putting things away (LOL).
Ok I try to rise above that, it isn't always easy, because she knows which buttons to push and if I am not mindfull enough of her doing it, I let her. When I don't let her push them, then things seem to go OK and we normally end up laughing, but boy it can be hard (LOL).
I have a friend who comes over about every 10 days to give her a treatment (It needs to be some one neutral) sometimes reiki, sometimes a massage and at times a mixture of reiki and a sound therapy that she does, perhaps you could find someone to top your mother up a bit. Feeling her age and perhaps having glimpses of her own mortality (what with friend getting ill and what ever) must be quite frightening for her. A neutral healer might help.
You don't need to take her negativity on, but it is hard at times, because of the bond you have with her (From my expieriance anyway).

Hope this helps.

Namaste

Rob
Truth is not a property of language because language has not been able to express abstract ideas as efficiently as concrete items

Write your concerns down and put it in an envelope marked read when I am 70. This way you will remind yourself and take measures to ensure you don't follow this pattern.
In my opinion it sounds like she is spending way to much time in her mind. This often happens if proper discipline is not kept up. If she was my mother I would share what I am feeling and sensing with her and help her to choose some new things to keep her mind busy. One of my sisters introduced my mother to a type of Qi-gong called CFQ. There is no muscle or strength used and helps with the letting go. At least if you confront her with this truth from a place of honesty and real love then every time she slips into this "put the guilt and worry on" you will have a base to work from and mention to her. To me this is a way to deal with family and friends and always works out much better then leaving them to continue in their suffering.
Good Luck,
Joy

Otoharo!

Feather, it is a belief system that says we live to die. the body is designed to last continually, refreshing itself, without ceasing. So, beliving that you will g row old and die one day is your belief. It need not be your truth.

AYour responsibility for her does not include letting her abause you with all her anxiety. Simply tell her that. You will care about her and oversee her welfare (only if you want to) but will not listen to her. If she insists on talking on the phone, hang up on her. One she realizes you will not listen to anxiety, she will muster a different way of talking with you. (My daughter did this in our past and it was very effective and assisted me greatly.) Passing one's anxiety on to someone else is a misuse of relationship, whoever the individuals are. When I worked in Inner Peace Movement, while at retreats, when a large group of us were gathered, we did this to each other. Anyone who wanted to lay their stuff on us, we just walked away. Very effective. This of course is after the rules have been made known.

finality

Dear Feather,
Unfortunately, Ive never been a Mom, but I can relate to what it must feel like to be the center of your children's world and gradually to have the tables turned so that you are the one that is dependant on the children.
For a mom being needed is a reason to continue. Thinking that you might not be needed any more could be overwhelming. If there is something that she can do well, let her do it for you. I have a friend that calls his grandfather for advice on how to fix things & if possible, allows him to do the fixing.
If one believes that death is the end of life or that there will be something ahead not as attractive as life on earth, why wouldnt one get a bit nervous?
Sometimes there are events we perceive as failures in our lives that we dont share with loved ones & they just eat at us. If nothing else, old age makes you realize all the things you never did or said that you thought you would & everything you wished you hadnt.
As we age we lose things: sight, hearing, balance, sex drive, memory, strength. It is not often easy to accept. The older you get the more over whelming the losses can be.The thought of being all alone & helpless when you are old can be terrifying. Depression & anxiety are under diagnosed in the elderly. You might consider talking to your Mother's doctor. The usual things are good to consider: helping her get involved in a hobby or just networking with others at a community center or church, etc.
Very likely there is something that your mother is afraid of that she hasnt voiced to you. Our deepest fears we tend to keep to ourselves.

What was that line ?: Rage, rage, rage against the dying of the light!!

peace & joy,
holobon

Dear Holobon,

It's a good point you make about depression being underdiagnosed in the elderly. With all the other changes the body makes, the serotonin level in the brain lowers, which can bring on depression. To have a high anxiety level when depressed is a classic symptom. It is well for anyone with an anxious parent to take heed.

And from a personal point of view, thank you. This gives me some perspective on my mother's late years that I did not have before.

Blessings,
Roxy

feather,

/*\ Namaste :-}}

- yes, we can worry about our parents and our children and our grandchildren and brothers and sisters

- it is also important to be mindful that we are also not projecting our own anxieties\fears\whatever onto them or into their situations

Reiki All Around,

All Blessings,

Firekeeper

Hey Rob,

I'm smiling while I read your post...its exactly like my granparents! I lived with them for 3 years prior to moving out to California. I would try to look in the fridge and Papa would be shuffling around very slowly in the way, and when he would see that I was trying to look in the fridge he'd say, "well go ahead, what are you waiting for" like I was just standing there for my health!

At first I had no patience for them and then one day I started to cherish these memories because they will not always be there to annoy me or to ask me about my day.

nice topic Feather,

love and light,

Jessica

Rob,
Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to the statement about buttons. It takes awareness to know when they are being pushed before we react! Always easier to see that after the reaction. Yes, I think she was upset after seeing a friend who has Parkinson's. My mom is one who is very private in terms of who can help her. She accepts Reiki from me....not sure she would take it from anyone else. One of her friends has been trying to talk her into seeing a massage therapist, and even that she won't do. Old country stubborn European stock. It helps with stamina, but not with interdependence. I am going to try to find a wholistic practitioner next time I am where she lives, and try to facilitate a bond for her. Thanks for your input....it was healing.
Blessings,
Feather

Hi, Joy,
You made me realize that my mom will get involved with intellectual pursuits, but really will not let herself slip into "no mind." Even in her approach to spirituality/religion, it is all "in the head", all intellectual talking about God, but not much experiencing of letting go and trusting. Hmmmm. But maybe a more active form of Chi Gong would be nice. I will have to investigate further.
Thanks,
Feather

Dear finality,
good insights. I do believe you are correct in your surmisal that passing on anxiety,( even if subconsciously) is a form of abuse. that rang a bell.
thanks,
Feather

Well, subsequent phone calls did reveal depression and a deep fear that her sons would not be able to survive financially without her. (even though she has fostered a bit of dependency in that respect) I like what you said about needing to be needed. That does shine some light on the situation. She was pretty much a "career" mother, though, so we were not the only outlet for her energies. I actually did alot of the mothering in the house,so I wonder if there is some old guilt dancing around this picture. Oh, I feel like I am parenting my mother!
Thanks for listening!
Feather

True enough. And also mindful of when we are having stuff projected upon us. That is the tricky part.
Blessings,
Feather