The Reiki Cafe 

Hi,

I am facing a difficult situation that I thought I had healed and need some honest advice. I feel that I can share this here and receive honest responses. There are very few in the 'real' world that I can talk about this to.

I had a loving childhood only marred by a serious issue with my mum's brother. To protect me (I was only 6) it was agreed at the time that it was in my best interests to cover it all up, sweep it under the carpet and pretend it never happened. As an adult I can understand that this was done with my best interests at heart. My mum's relationship with her brother dwindled away and when my grandfather died she cut ties completely with him. Over the years I have found my own pathway to self healing over this issue including Reiki and a Soul Retrieval. I felt that I had forgiven and yet never quite forgotten.

The problem is that last weekend there was a huge family party to celebrate my great aunt's 90th birthday. My mum having been invited decided with some trepidation to go, even though she knew that this would involve meeting the brother she had not seen for 10 years. That I could accept. I understood that it wasn't fair that she had cut herself off from the rest of the family. What I am finding difficult to accept is that they exchanged telephone numbers and my 'uncle' wants to meet up with her for meals etc and has invited her to his wedding next year. I just feel so betrayed. I know it is wrong, because my mum must walk her own pathway and follow her own path to self healing. Her life hasn't been easy either and she has her own feelings of hurt and anger from the past to work through. This morning I got angry and told her how betrayed I feel, I know it upset her and I know that it is not her intention to hurt me. I just feel that everything that I felt I had dealt with has been raked up again and after all these years I still have to stay away from family functions because I cannot face him . Today I have done what i did for so many years to bury the pain, which was to binge on chocolate and junk food. I have worked so hard this year to conquer this and it makes me so angry that I still have the ability to punish myself in this way. It doesn't make me feel any better, just more frustrated with myself.

I have my mum's solemn promise that she will never ever allow him anywhere near my three children ie if he ever visited and they were there, she would make an excuse not to let him in. Other than that I have asked her not to tell me if and when she meets him or talks with him again.

Am I being unreasonable? I don't want resentment to build up between myself and my mum, I love her dearly. What can I do to let go of this feeling of betrayal that really belongs in the past ? I am hurt and angry too with my mum's sister who knows some of the situation regarding my uncle and feels that it is all in the past and should just be forgotten about. I wish it were truly that easy. What would others do in this situation?

Anyway I'm sorry for the rambling long post about something so personal, but it is healing in a way to get it out of my head.

Gentle Blessings
Helen

Dearest Helen this message will have to be a quick one for now as my youngest is still up and running around!I can understand your situation totally and sympathise completley.You are not being unreasonable at all you must think of yourself and your children.I have so much to say to you but no time at the moment.Will be back on at 7ish.When I spoke to my Teacher on Saturday something not very nice came up from my past just when you think its all burried!
Life throws these things at us but brings us through as better stronger people.You are not in the wrong here at all.Sometimes we can never heal 100%.
speak to you later
Warm Blessings
inca you are not alonex

helen,

Hi.

Tough one. You mention a soul retrieval. If it helped earlier then perhaps again? Not all soul fragments may be returned in one retrieval especially if the 'trauma' was significant. And, as you seem to be suggesting, live and let live can be a functional approach. I also might not entirely discount 'an eye for an eye' in some situations (but this is not, I feel where you are looking).

Maybe it is time to put that rug under which stuff was swept in the dust bin, so to speak, clean the floor, have a wee dram, and go on.

Cheers,

RC

Hi Inca,

Many thanks for your reply.

Yes Reiki does have ways of bringing up issues that need healing, however much we think we have managed to bury them :)

I think you are right too when you say that some things can never be completely healed. Some things will always leave a scar as a reminder.

Gentle blessings
Helen

Hi RC,

Many thanks for your reply.

Yes another soul retrieval may be an option worth considering.

I agree that it is time for the rug to be thrown away for good. I guess I had fooled myself into thinking that I had already done so, whereas it appears I had put it in the recycling bin :)

I am feeling calmer tonight, have gathered myself together a bit.

Gentle Blessings
Helen

hi Rainbow,
life has this funny ways of throwing you a 'lemon',...but my dear now being an adult, you can make 'lemonade' out of it!
you were hurt,very badly,...now it all rears it's ugly head once more, it's like 'reliving 'things ' all over again, things you thought were over....
but think of all the 'POSITIVES' IT HAS TAUGHT YOU...(a) it brought you to reiki & other HEALING pratices..(b) you will know, & 'never' let it happen to 'YOUR' CHILDREN..(c) now this one is 'very' HARD TO EXCEPT..you are a 'BETTER PERSON' because of this trauma & it has SET your healing path..
I won't go on & on, just THINK on it...
luv you, wendy ann xxx

Hello Helen,

Most of the issues need to be dealt with on different levels of reality. In this case, you are not wrong in wanting to have nothing to do with your mum's brother. I think that your mum should respect that and perhaps should re-acknowledge the wrong that was done, and take firm action to not bring that person back in your life.

On another level, you need to work on the issue too, as it certainly has created a cellular memory / energy block, which may lie dormant but is still extremely powerful to cause not just mental anguish but can also lead to undesired physical menifestation as well as other behavioral issues. (feeling of betrayal, low self-esteem etc.)

Although there are a number of ways which may be useful for dealing with the emotional self, I find that the quickest, in my experience, has been EFT for this kind of issue. You will probably need to work on a number of related internal issues before a closure can come.

So, here is what I would suggest -

Use this opportunity to mend the inner wound, and perhaps clear up a few more inner blocks by using EFT to begin with, and other techniques, if you know them or feel comfortable with them.

Have a chat with your mum and explain that no matter how painful, a wrong has to be acknowledged and action needs to be taken. Not bringing her brother in your life again, is the least of the things that need to be done. The other end of this option can be the legal system etc.

You will certainly be able to decide what you think is the best course of action, but I do suggest that use this negative trigger to clear up the hidden energy blocks.

Universe sometimes re-triggers the painful memories as a reminder to work on the inner self and to grow 'free'.

I hope that you do realize that none of this was your fault, and that there is no need to punish yourself.

with love and peace,
Harsh

helen,

Hi,

I am glad.

Cheers,

RC

Hi Everyone,

I just want to say I know what it is like to be hurt in this way. Abuse is very hard to deal with. It steals our innocence and trust, joy. I would like to say though that trauma/abuse NEVER makes us a better person. Thats victim mentality.

I am who I am in spite of abuse/trauma/adversity, not because of it. To me it feels like your very angry, and you want to express it. Anger is not a bad thing. We should be angry when someone hurts us, they do not have that right. I know the betrayal, how much it can rob you of so many things in your life.

Sending buckets of love and light your way.

Hi Wamps,

Many thanks for your reply.

It has helped me over the years to feel that this is the experience that my soul chose before it arrived here. I am usually very well adjusted to it, just every now and again it rears it's ugly head, but you are right I have many blessings in my life to be thankful for, Reiki of course being one of them :)

Gentle Blessings
Helen

Hi Soaringphoenix,

Thanks for your reply :)

Yes you are so right. I find it so hard to be joyful. I have a habit of taking life way too seriously, as if I have had to be a grown up forever :)

Sometimes I am angry because I wonder at the carefree person I would have been if it had not happened, but then again thats pretty silly because many things happen in life that have a bearing on who we become.

Thanks for understanding.

Gentle Blessings
Helen

Hi Harsh,

Thank you for taking the time to reply. I really appreciate your comments :)

I have heard that EFT can be very effective. I think I would need to find a practitioner here in the UK to learn the skills properly, rather than trying to self teach through books etc. It is definately something that I am going to start investigating.

Thank you again.

Gentle Blessings
Helen

Dear Helen,
Your feeling of betrayal might belong in the past but your mother's reconciliation with your uncle has brought that feeling into your present. Obviously neither your mother not your aunt realize how deeply you are affected. I dont think you are unreasonable. What I think is unreasonable is the notion that some may have that it will go away with time or enough time has past that you should be "over it".
What about joining a group or finding a counselor that will allow you to talk about your feelings and get out some thoughts that you may consider too harsh to verbalize in the family?
I have watched a friend's family deal or not deal with these issues for years & years. The more time that passes the more that memories & truth seem to get muddled. Counseling can help. We take ourselves to the doctor or the dentist, we buy cars & go on vacations but going to counseling is like pulling teeth. Its hard work but in the long run it helps.
My heart goes out to you. As for what I would do, I'd like to think Id take my own advice and not revert to my lower self.

peace & joy,
holobon

Hi holobon,

Many thanks for your reply, you have given good advice.

Yes counselling is an option that I should investigate. I'm not afraid of the hard work involved, just more used to trying to sort things out on my own, but sometimes that just doesn't work.

I am feeling calmer again now and more on an even keel, but that doesn't mean that I will make the mistake of believing that I have healed this issue, because I know it is still there under the surface.

Thanks again.

Gentle Blessings
Helen

hi there soaringphoenix, (wow what a handle!!)

you are still very 'hurt & upset & angry' by your past, I SAY PAST!
'you' are NOT over it!!! I don't think anyone could ever be!!.
BUT, the past is just that 'PAST'!...look forward 'not' back..
life is 'to short' & we have much to do, with the time ahead of us...(I also was a victim of this,) but over the years with Reiki I have 'LEARN'T FROM IT'....a lot of Reiki folk have the same story to tell, that's why Reiki found ME! & many others..... I AM A 'BETTER PERSON' NOW..... I respect myself, I love myself, I AM ME!!...through Reiki, I am not a drug addict, I am not on the streets, as many are who have gone through this type of thing, ..so YES, I AM A BETTER PERSON,...& so are you....
luv, Wendy Ann xxx

Dear Helen,
Healing is a process...a wound can heal over the top but not underneath, it can tunnel underneath the skin until it opens up again in a different place. Bandaids may help for a time.
You are very brave to deal with this, to even post the subject. It is an issue that is extremely difficult to deal with on your own. It can help to get objective feedback. Family members are rarely objective & they have their own issues & perspectives. There is a very strong drive in families & society to let sleeping dogs lie. You deserve to have your story heard by objective ears.
Sorry for being pushy, Helen. Guess Im doing my pitbull imitation here. With that said, every family has its sleeping dogs. :)
The harpy will shut up now. My thoughts and prayers are with you.
peace & joy,
holobon

Helen,

What we become in regards to what happens to us is a whole lot different than WHO WE ARE. This brings to mind certain animals who through mans hands become viscious attackers. I do not believe that we choose in our "contracts" to experience abuse. We never take part in our abuse. That is also a victim mentality. To believe that somehow we asked for it or that it was "FOR OUR OWN GOOD" is rubbish. If indeed we are spiritual beings having a human experience, and I believe we are, WE ARE phenomenal beings. Full of light, divinity and innocence. This is who we are. We are not born "abuse." Ive never heard a mother say how adorably abusive her child is.

Sometimes how we react to abuse is who we think we really are. Weve had abuse in our histories for so long we think its us !

May the Love and Light of God Reach deeply Within Us All...

Hey honey,
Spirit asks, have you given yourself permission to be angry?? Really feel that and then see where it leads. There is still alot of grief within you. You see every situation needs to be turned slightly so you can uncover such a hurt. Just like a jewel is multi fascited, so is your wound.
Bless you Helen!! Great Big Rainbow hugs going out to you for all your moving through and processing right now.
The trick is to NOT, NOT allow yourself to grieve if you still feel the need. Underneath that anger is grief believe me. And fear.
I would be very, very straight with your mom. Number one, has he received counseling? Cause I don't feel like its right for a man who has abused a young girl no matter how long ago freedom without counseling.
Also, if he came by the house and your kids were there.. It's perfectly ok to be HONEST as to why he cannot come in. Why is it that the victim here ( Or her mom in this case) has to lie to spare the feelings of the one who perpetrated the crime??
Truth is your freedom honey. Don't hold back your feelings. This is where your fear of being exposed is rooted. This is where your chocolate urge is surfacing from. Becasue all your holding back is trying to surface and the only way to deal is your addictions. Addictions numb.. Look at that when you want the chocolate. You are so loved Helen. You can do this.

My personal choice would be to do the EFT tapping. That is what Blackearth taught me and that is truly a God send in dealing with ragged emotions.

I'm always here for you Helen. Just let me know if you want help with this.

I love you and am thinking kindly upon you always,

Susan

Hello lovely Soaring,

I"m not trying to disagree with your heart felt response but Yes, posiitives can come of this situation.
In truth we never know how our karma will unfold. Its important to remember that we have been all in our many lifetimes, the victim as well as the perpetrator. The purpose of this post is not to remind you that these terrible things you have done too, but to remind you there is always a gift.
Just to know you would never do this, and perhaps working for an advocacy group, working with other women, shelters, etc,... stepping up for womens rights; could all be something I"D personally call good from my experience.
There are no accidents here..
Every thing that happens has a purpose our we would just be getting punished now wouln'dt we?

My life was very traumatic as a child. But this has surely made me stronger. I"d not see anyone suffer the way I have. And as I'm healing I'm able to assist others too.
Also when I know I've gone over the line with my efforts to heal, its because the scared child within me still feels abandoned and needs a bit of love and self care.

So, I"d say feel the feelings. Let yourself express them safetly and fully and then ask Great Spirit to help you accept and release and surrender the pain...
See how you can assist others or not. Totally up to you.

Life is so beautiful. Surely something sweet can come out of trauma as well. We only need look for the opportunity to continue to grow as SPirit knows we can.

Blessing you now and always,

Jahnavi

hey Susan,

(((Hugs)))

Thank you so much for your reply, you have given me much to think about.

Yes I do believe that there is grief beneath the anger. I am just stepping back a little now bfore deciding what steps to take next. I have received a lot of support and advice here for which I am truly grateful :)

Much love to you and Taylor.

Gentle Blessings
Helen

I beleive you may have misunderstood what I said. We do not need these experiences to make us stronger. We can be stronger without them. And yes I work deeply with people who have trauma in this area, but did I need trauma to work and help with others? We dont need to be broken to help others to heal. Unfortunately many of us have been.
Christ for example helped many but remained unbroken. Also I cant help but feel your pain as your write, but are you talking to me or talking to you?

I am sorry you were hurt. I cannot tell you how I grieve for others.

Rest Gently In Love and Light

Hello Soaring,
Yes, of course I've been hurt. But I see the exact nature of my experiences corresponding to the areas that I excell in assisting others in. I"m extremely blessed to have had the experiences I"ve had and I'm grateful I"ve been given these lessons so I can grow.
I wasn't writing because I was hurting. I was writing because I saw your hurt when you said that the experiences people have are not necessary to be strong. Of course, not but our paths are our own so our experiences are personal and only we can walk this path.

YOu said,
We do not need these experiences to make us stronger. We can be stronger without them. And yes I work deeply with people who have trauma in this area, but did I need trauma to work and help with others?

You more than likely wouldn't be assisting those hurting in this area unless you experienced it, because you know exactly how that feels so you are pulled into excellence from your experience. YOur the perfect gift for those suffering in this way.

Trauma and physical abuse, self esteem are areas I excell in working with others. I am very passionate about this because I know how it feels to have an adult in your life strip it away in ignorance.
I'd have it no other way.

I remember when I signed up for a suicide hotline when I"d had another of my friends committ suicide. This was about twenty years ago. I remember feeling less then because there were phychologists, ministers, nurses, etc.. in class and then Me.. I'd had no formal training in anything and I was a waitress at the time.
I went out to lunch with the teachers.. What amazing teachers! When I explained my discomfort they told me that I was the perfect one because when someone called who was hurting I was not someone who hadn't experienced what they had, but was someone who had lived it and that would be the gift of grace, that would be what would differeniate me from those who had simple, non traumatized lives.

That really changed me. That gave me a bit of courage and a healing because I knew for once my hurt had meaning. I could put something to it. My burden was lessend that day and I"M forever grateful to my amazing wounded teachers for what they taught me in the years that followed.

Bright blessings dear Soaring!
Jahnavi

Otoharo!

In the social work training for the master's level, each student has been interviewed to find out whether they have had the kinds of experiences clients have. Those who have not had these experiences are counseled out of the program. We must know how it feels to ask for help and be humble enough to take help.

finality

Hello Soaring,

I wanted to share a quote with you. But unfortunately I can't give credits as I don't have my information in front of me. But I love this one. Always made me grateful for ALL my experiences, even the bitter sweet.

Who can we bring healing to a pain we have never felt?

Love and Light,
Jahnavi

Hi Rainbow,

Firstly...well done for being brave enough to post this.

Secondly...I haven't read any of the replies yet, so forgive me if I'm repeating anything.

Thirdly...The first thought that crossed my mind when reading this is, PROSECUTE!!! Don't know if that relevant at all, but sorry to say, you have NOT reached a resolution on this. So you need to seek one. For yourself. Nevermind what is best for anyone else; your mother and aunt included.

Forth...You're right. You can't hold your Mother's response against her. You can change no one, other than yourself. Hence, read my third point.

And lastly...forgive me if I sound too harsh.

Sending big hugs
Nats