The Reiki Cafe 

Greetings,
I have a friend who always makes me wait. It seems to be a habit for me to pick friends who do that. The last event, we were going to go somewhere and she she started talking to someone and I waited 10 minutes at least so I just left without her. Her car was parked nearby. Then I get calls on my answering machine that she was looking all over for me and even recruited someone to walk up and down the street looking for me. To me, it seems like rudeness on her part. This is the first time I've just left without her. I'm thinking of just telling her that her behavior is rude but she would probably get angrey and make me sound like I'm being immature. Am I?
peace,
Prosperity

prosperity,

/*\ Namaste :-}}

- if this is chronic behavior on her part, and you wish to continue to do things with her, then politely saying something is appropriate

- if she takes offense and this limits or ends the stuff you do together then this saves you from leaving to go off on your own - which ends the get-together as well

- by the way, when you next spoke with her, what did she say about your abrupt departure??

Reiki All Around,

All Blessings,

Firekeeper

Dear FK,
I have not spoken to her since as I did not have my cell phone with me nor did she remember the number. She called my home phone and left messages. I am thinking of e-mailing her.
thanks,
peace,
Prosperity

Hi,

It sounds to me as though you both have different boundaries and expectations. She doesn't consider it rude to keep you waiting and you don't consider it rude to leave without first telling her you are going to do so.

Gentle Blessings
Helen

Dear Helen,
That is a good point. I was uncomfortable at this gathering to begin with and I could have went inside to tell her I would be leaving. I am not good at social etiquette myself.
peace,
Prosperity

Perhaps you were both a bit rude and immature---but you can step up to the plate now and be the grown up!
I think you owe her an apology, and a kind explanation of why you acted the way you did.
Passive-aggressive action always makes the situation worse. Put an end to it right now. If you are good friends, you will weather this small storm.
Wishing you all good blessings,
Hanhepi Wi Winyan

Dear Coyote,
I did that. Basically said something to the effect of sorry I got tired of waiting and that I needed to be more mindful of my manners. She said it was OK and we did get together after that for a usual talk fest. However, I noticed she basically didn't apologize for her self - just said she was sorry she missed me. Hopefully she got the message as I didn't really mention that I was tired of her making me wait for her while she chatters too long too people when I'm with her. Maybe I am being a bit self centered or too centered on her paying all her attention to me.
peace,
Prosperty

...I have to say in my own defense that a few years ago a person asked me if I was waiting for her and I said yes and she said that she's rude to make me wait so long. We were at a social gathering on our way out and she decided she wanted to join in with some singers who were through practicing but she coaxed them into singing one more song which they did seemingly reluctantly.
peace,
Prosperity

prosperity,

Hi,

Yes, there are some people who seem to chronically apologize for being late, keeping others waiting, stepping on other peoples toes (so to speak), etc. Such behavior is often pathological and not likely to be changed as the apologies simply become perfuctory, gratuitous, and empty. Such people really do not seem to care much about others and may not be trustworthy in some other respects. For myself I very quickly look elsewhere for social contacts (or even co-worker contacts), etc once a person shows him\herself to be one of the above. Some people I term 'workapaths' may be of this ilk. Try not to get hung up on them.

Cheers,

RC

Thank you RC,
This person does not really apologize for making me wait; being late she does occasionally apologize however. She just said sorry she missed me regarding me leaving.
peace,
Prosperity

Hi Prosperity,

Forgive my late entry into this thread:>}} Having just read through the postings, I do feel for you.

By nature I am a compulsive on-time or early behaviourist - therefore I have to be aware that if someone is only slightly late, it may feel longer because I got there early.

However, there are times when lateness becomes rudeness, I agree. I had a similar experience where, with my two young children,I was waiting for a friend to join us, in a country location in the dark, in my landrover, no facilities. My friend eventually turned up, very late, laughing that she couldn`t resist having another cup of tea before leaving home!

I let it go at that point which with hindsight was wrong, but the next time it happened, and it was habitual, I left to go to the destination without her. She turned up much later, highly indignant that I had not waited, having on that occasion a not unreasonable excuse. However in those days there were no mobile phones for us, and therefore no means of communication.

Our relationship continued, but it was never quite the same. Maybe I no longer gave her needs more importance than mine or my family`s, and she no longer felt I was a true friend.

But that is life. Maybe had we both been more mature we could have talked it through - now I would - then I didn`t know how.

Love and light
philanty

Hi, Philanty,
I was glad to hear your comments and thanks for telling me your experiences! It is hard to talk that sort of thing through as my friend ended up telling me that the reason she took so long was someone wanted her to look at this woman's ailment. I didn't bring it up. Isn't there always an excuse like you stated. I am glad for the support I receive here. I am not a compulsive on-timer at all and I do consider myself pretty tolerant however, I believe there are other issues at play though when someone likes people waiting on them continually. Maybe some sort of narcissium or something and if you mention it then they play underdog or victim right away. Maybe with these type of people noone can get through to them.
peace and blessings your way,
Prosperity

Hi Prosperity,

Sometimes it is a 'control' issue with people who do it habitually.

Gentle Blessings
Helen

Hi, I too will be early rather than late, can you take this ligh heartedly? next time you go somewhere tell her you will meet her half anhour before thet time you need to, when you turn up and she makes you wait you will be more relaxed as you know you wont be late. When she asks how come you are so early for the event tell her ligh heartedly that as she is always late you have a new tactic. Or of course next time she asks you over you could be late....... Or you could just accept that she is always late and laugh about it, what do you always do?
Annie

Prosperity,

Years ago I had a friend who used to make 'dates' with me and then not show up. I had a pager at the time and she could easily have contacted me to let me know she wasn't showing up but never did.

This went on for some time and finally I had enough of it. (the last time it happened we were supposed to leave the place where we were and meet again at another location, I left and she never showed up where we were supposed to meet) I called her and told her (very nicely) that basically she was being very rude and inconsiderate. She responded that it was my problem, I didn't have to wait for her. At that moment I had an epiphany and realized she was right, it was my problem. Why was I allowing someone to treat me this way? I told her she was right, said good bye and hung up.

I've never gone anywhere with her again. For sometime afterward she would call me up once in awhile and ask if I wanted to go somewhere and I was always unable to go. Finally she saw me out dancing and asked what the problem was and why had I stopped talking to her. I told her I hadn't and if she wanted to talk about our problem call me and I would be happy to talk with her.

I never heard from her and honestly haven't missed anything, as a matter of fact after our last phone conversation I realized that she had been draining energy off of me for some time and I found I had much more energy for myself. (two lessons learned for the price of one :-)))

Just relating my similar experience on the subject. Your mileage may vary and or you may wish to handle your situation differently.

walk in beauty
Rebecca

Helen,

Sometimes it is.

With some people it could also be that they feel that their time and what they want to do at any particular moment is more important than yours.

Then again I had a very close friend once who could never seem to get anywhere on time. He would always call and tell me he was running late but would be there. My solution was to tell him to meet me or be somewhere an hour before he actually needed to be there. Worked very well and he was on time from then on.

The point though is that he called. He was nothing if not considerate in all aspects of his life. He just couldn't be on time. :-)

Walk in beauty,
Rebecca

Hi Rebecca,

That's true, I guess with time keeping a lot of it comes down to a combination of things....upbringing,personality, ethics etc.

In my experience though manipulation and control are always the hardest issues to deal with effectively when on the receiving end :)

Gentle Blessings
Helen

Hi Helen,

It definitely can be a control issue and in more ways that we might think.

I know someone who is always late for everything (except they manage to get to work on time) With this person I think it is a control issue, but I think it is the only place in their life where they feel they have some control so they exercise that control by being late.

People are such complex things. It seems there is never only one answer.

:-))

Walk in beauty,
Rebecca

Rebecca .. namaste ...

I agree with you .... we think about it, and we make our choices.

Many times I make arrangements with friends to do things and go places, and it all works very well.

But with one friend we would make an arrangement, I would work my Diary around that, and then for whatever reason, at the last minute she would find she could not make it ... something else, more important to her, had turned up.

This happened on several occasions, and so I ceased to make arrangements with her. My choice. We still meet, on occasions, if she rings and asks at the time, and I am free, I will meet her, and enjoy her company. I just will not diary stuff in advance with her.

We learn, we make choices.

Love and light
philanty