The Reiki Cafe 

Greetings to all,
I had a conversation with my mother today and she automatically starts telling me what to do; doesn't listen; makes assumptions based on her imagination rather than facts; and preaches. After these conversations, I feel annoyed for several days. I hardly call here as she also does hanging up at times. Am I crazy to not call her very often as I do love her. She's always done this. Any tips would be appreciated.
peace,
Prosperity

Hi Prosperity,

We have our children to raise up and in the length of life given, for not a very long time. Some just can not let go and let live.

Once our children are grown and even more so when they strike out on their own, the best advice I can give is to cut the string and let the kite fly and do this with continued love, support and mutual respect.

Some mom's seem not able to do this gracefully or they just refuse.

Try sending your mom cards every so often and sign them with something like, thinking of you often and sending my love to you.....

Keep any phone conversations short before any discussion can get too carried away. Excuse me, someone is knocking at the door.... a needed bathroom necessity, whatever you feel comfortable saying.

Hanging up on someone to me seems like they want to have the last word, they are angry or just it is their way to control the conversation if it is not to their liking. Quite rude really.

Keep reassuring mom you love her. If you can, thank her for how she raised you when you were a young person and try to be prepared for the phone calls and keep it light and moving along.

So many of us do have family issues and they are not pleasent so we can only do what we can on our own part and hope for the best.

So, do what you can and what you can live with yourself as the priority.

Donna

Dear Donna.
Thanks for that insight. I am working on disengaging and not playing into her button pushing. Detaching with love sort of thing. Thanks again as occasionally I like to vent and this forum helps me keep on the spiritual track.
peace,
Prosperity

She is your mother and surely she won't change now. Hear her out when she needs to speak. Say, "Yes Mom, you're right Mom." Because in her own way, she probably is. That doesn't mean you are impelled to act upon all her advice because you have your own path. Listen, process, and then act according to your best judgement.

My father used to get under my skin for many, many years. Only when I touched 30 did I learn to "accept" and adapt to him. He is still the same, but he doesn't pull my strings anymore. This has helped me to love him for what he is instead of pointing out what he isn't.

aum shanti

Otoharo!

I had a similar experience with my mom so many years ago. She was telling me what is wrong with my husband, etc. and etc. Suddenly it hit me! I said, you take care of your family and I will take care of mine. That was the end of it!

finality

Dear Prosperity,

Mom issues? Boy, can I relate. It sounds to me as if your mother has an emotional investment in controllng you and keeping you as "her little girl". You're not going to change her.

I don't think there's any problem with keeping phone calls to a minimum. I like the suggestion of sending a "thinking of you card" once in a while. Also recognize during phone calls the point where she's trying to goad you, and instead of getting caught up in it, distance yourself from it (I know it's hard to do). Perhaps change the subject.

Having had a difficult relationship with my mother, let me just say that I really empathize.

Rock On!
Roxy

Dear Finality,
That was the end of your relationship or her criticizing your husband? If that was the end of her sticking her nose in your business then she sounds more respectful than mine as I have told mine to mind her own business yet it also seems disrespectful for me to have told her yet she just intensifies her nosyness then we both stop calling for quite a while. Then she says how come you never call me. It is the stuff of comedians I suppose.
peace ,
Prosperity

Otoharo!

It was the end of her interfering in my marriage. I came to agree with her later and divorced him but I could not tolerate having her point these things out to me.

After that time, however, she showed more respect for me in every way. She confided in me, too.

finality

Prosperity,

The one that will have to change is you. You know what the buttons are and how they are pushed. When you feel them being pushed recognise it and seperate yourself from what is happening. Witness it. If we are really conscious of our behavior we can change it by investing our energy where it will best serve us. This will have the effect of raising your threshold regarding your mother's behavior.

The card idea is a good one but do you want to lie for the rest of your life and spend your energy always trying to come up with excuses to get off the phone with her? My bet is that all you are going to do there is make yourself feel guilty. If you want to end the conversation you don't need to find an excuse to do it, just say "I have to go now mom. I'll talk to you later. I love you. Bye"

Hope this helps.

Walk in beauty,
Rebecca

prosperity,

/*\ Namaste :-}}

- parents love their kids inthe best ways they know how

- this may ot always be exactly how the kids might like it or even need it

- and, admittedly there are those cases where most of what kids get is abuse

- but, we each need to use the love we get the best we may

- and, sometimes a bit of assertiveness and straight-forward communication, even with parents, is beneficial

Reiki All Around,

All Blessings,

Firekeeper