The Reiki Cafe 

Just a mild warning that this is going to be a long vent, so if you're not into long messages, I won't take offense if you just ignore it.

I am a happily married wife of 12 years and mother of 2 adorable kids who are 8 (girl) and 4 (boy). We are determined to raise our kids in a nurturing environment that affirms their right to be whomever they are meant to be. We also recognize that their bodies will take time (approx. 18 years) to mature to the point that they can fulfill the purpose for this incarnation. We provide consistent, loving discipline (not punishment) to guide their choices and nurture their decision-making skills. Everyone in our family has a role to play and responsibilities to fulfill (i.e. CHORES).

Our marriage has not been without its problems. It has taken us several years to work through the baggage we brought into the marriage from our families of origin. Fortunately for us, we were lucky to have each other for support during the transition. One of the key issues in our relationship is deciding what kind of relationship we are willing to have with his mother. Both of us have waivered from wanting her very involved to not involved at all. Recently we were made aware of certain problems that have us gravely concerned. We were suspicious before, but now we have proof that she has (among other things)...

* criticized our parenting decisions in front of our children
* demonized us as neglectful, abusive parents to other family members
* encouraged our daughter to be disrespectful and rude to us
* convinced our daugher that she can run away and live with Grandma if she doesn't like our home
* discussed the possibility of trying to take our daughter away from us in our daughter's presence
* undermined our parental authority by encouraging our children to break house rules if they don't like them
* undermined our parental authority by explicitly refusing respect our wishes with regard to bringing the children home on time from visits
* encouraged her son (my husband!) to have me committed, leave me, report me to the authorities, etc. during 2 times when I suffered from depression
* blatantly encouraged me to divorce her son during these same times

To make matters worse, she has done the similar things to her 2 step daughters and their children. The only person she has not backstabbed is her own biological daughter. Everyone else (including her son) has been fair game. As couples, we have all 6 discussed the matter and decided to confront her on her behavior. We have also decided as a group that none of our children will be allowed unsupervised visits with Grandma until she gets help for what is obviously a serious problem. Until she stops her manipulative, backstabbing behavior we will not let our children spend time with her.

We are exhausted and have not come to this decision lightly. All 3 families have different viewpoints on childrearing, education and religion, but the one thing we have in common is a firm committment to doing right by our children. We do not believe that continued association with this woman is in the best interests of their physical, emotional, mental or spiritual health. She has accused us of being controlling, domineering parents who think we "own" our kids. This is so far from the truth!

I try very hard to accept people's differences, but this is one woman that will not be satisfied with mere acceptance. I don't know how I'm going to get through the meeting we are all planning to have with her next week. If anyone is so inclined, please send prayers and healing (reiki, etc.) to the situation and everyone involved.

Herbmom

Herbmom,

WOW!

Tough call, huh....

Sometimes you just gotta be strong. Do what you gotta do.

Have you given any consideration to the thought that her negativity may be adding to your depression? This sounds like a pattern with her, and you have made a good decision to only allow supervised visits from her with your children.

I think it is very important to remain calm (if possible) during the confrontation. Don't throw a lot of extra garbage into what should be a family meeting that has a point. That is the children.

Of course we are sending prayers and reiki to you and yours.

blessings,

Priestess

((HUG)) Herbmom!
I can understand your frustration with this situation, and admire the commitment you have all made collectivly to monitor and supervise your mother-in-law's contact with your children. Confrontations with those close to us are never easy. With love being the motivating factor, keeping the best for all involved in the forefront may help. The focus should be protecting the children first, and helping your mother-in-law realize she needs help, and getting her the help she needs. Of course, the group may not be successful in convincing her that she needs help. In which case you must stay firm in your decisions inregard to the children's well being.
I send Reiki to you, yours and the situation as a whole...hang in there....
((HUG)) & Blessings...z

Family connections can bring us the most joy and the most pain. Your mother in law seem to have some real strong issues and it is unfortuate for all involed that she would not allow herelf to get beyond it. Does anyone have any idea where all these hostile feelngs are coming from? From my experience from dealling with people like your mother in law is to try and temporarily take your feeling out of it and focus on the behavior . This keeps your focus on what needs to change and does not allow her to continue her negative behaviors. You are fortunate to have each other. God Bless you and your family. Beth

Namaste Herbmom

What's the old saying ... you can choose your friends, but you can't choose your family!!! (but you can choose how you let your family push your buttons)

I can appreciate how difficult this situation is, as similar happened in our family (but made slightly more difficult as it was only perpetrated on my mother, with all other siblings hoeing in as well, and the grandmother and aunts and uncles trying to turn me away from my parents).

I too wonder whether this situation hasn’t had some bearing on your depression, as this sort of thing is traumatic and enervating.

One positive is that there are six of you working together, and not just one fighting alone. I am happy to send reiki to you and the situation (what day & time in particular is the group meeting?)

You state that “this is one woman that will not be satisfied with mere acceptance”. I think it is commendable that you as a group are willing to try supervised visits – and I applaud you trying every avenue.

However, if she is that unforgiving and the situation does not change (which from your note sounds as if it may be the likely response to your request), you may need to be willing to make an even tougher decision.... that of no contact at all. This sounds really harsh, and yes you all would like your children to grow up with access to all the family members, but you and your family unit (including all other family members in this) must come first. What she is doing is abuse – and is not acceptable by anyone’s standards.

You all need to concentrate on your children’s mental health and wellbeing. When we had to forcibly split from our family I was 12, and had some inkling of what was going on (although it was only in later life when I found some of the venomous letters that were written to my parents that I really understood the full extend of the situation). It was a hard decision, and one that my mother was really sad about for many years because she was totally cut off from all her siblings that she had brought up – but it was definitely the right one for us. We worked through it together as a family and it was explained clearly to me by my parents. They also listened to what my feelings were – children have a great capacity for understanding, if you the parents have done the ground work during the whole of their lives – which you sound as if you have.

Anyway, getting back to your meeting. You said “I don't know how I'm going to get through the meeting we are all planning to have with her next week”. For what it is worth, if this was happening to me, I would put the family group into Reiki white/gold light, and Reiki the situation for the best outcome for all parties (and I’m happy to send you energy with this in mind) before, during and after the meeting.

In the meeting, it is really important to remain calm, and if the six of you can get together beforehand, discuss how you can do this and that it is imperative not to get into slagging matches as this will not achieve anything and only upset you.

When I was put into situations that were difficult and confrontational I used a technique my meditation teacher taught me and that is controlled breathing (and it worked beautifully for me) – which followed along these lines:

I place myself in a safe space before entering (the white light/gold bubble works well)
Whether seated/standing, I place my hands over the dantien (right hand on the body and left on top for women, right on left for men – to do with yin and yang energy I was told).
Breath calmly, slowly and steadily into the dantien, and as you breath in mentally say “I know I am breathing in”, and when you breath out in the same slow and steady manner mentally say “I know I am breathing out”.
Sounds corny, but it actually works – and even though I am mentally concentrating on my breathing, I can still hear what is being said, and able to respond – you just don’t physically and emotionally get involved in the negative situation.

I think the best example I had of this was when I was confronted by a very abusive and manipulating boss. I hadn’t expected the “attack”, but half way through I remembered the technique and it was amazing how quickly I felt calmed. He also sensed something had happened at that point in time, because he challenged me that “I wasn’t listening to him”, which of course I was and was able to reiterate all that he had said. When a person doesn’t have another to “fight” with....the argument fizzles.

Please remember – whatever comments she makes about you all are only labels she has made for the situation. You don’t have to take them and wear them. You are all positive people, you have wonderful energy.

My thoughts, prayers and Reiki go out to you at this time.
In love & light
AR

Bless you, Herbmom. Regarding this meeting, I believe it would be most productive if someone was a designated moderator, one in charge of keeping the talk on the present subject. Such a heavily emotionally charged gathering is bound to take off in different directions, bring up old tales and open wounds. Have an agenda, written down if necessary. We are all sending you lots of positive energy!

Hello, Herbmom,
Wow, this must be so hard! I sent Reiki, really felt it flowing. Have not been on in a while, so I hope I am not too late, but I know Reiki knows no limits on time or space, so Reiki to all of you.
Peace,
Feather

Namaste Herbmom,

Reiki and prayers have been sent and will continue. May your family be showered with love, light ,and peaceful Blessings.

Reiki Blessings and Peace,

Earthsmist

I want to thank everyone who has sent healing to my family during this very difficult situation. I have truly felt your presence throughout the week. A couple of things have happened this weekend to allow a breakthrough (at least for my immediate family).

My husband's mother called yesterday afternoon to speak with him. It was a very difficult conversation to have. It was our intention to meet with her in person. However, scheduling conflicts prevented everyone from meeting together. We were discussing how best to approach her when she called. It was the typical manipulative behavior that we have both seen many times before. My husband called her on it and explained clearly to her that in order to have a relationship with us, she would have to find healthier ways of interacting. We recommended that she seek counseling to help her learn how to relate in healthy ways. For us, it went well. Obviously she did not feel the same.

The past week has been quite a spiritual journey for me. I have felt both the loving support of friends and the harsh judgement of critics on a spiritual level. I know that none of it happened without a purpose. I have spent hours in meditation exploring my own feelings about mothering and being mothered. I have looked at my relationship to each person involved as an opportunity to see something about myself.

I have been given many wonderful gifts as a result of this situation.

* The present conflict with this woman is primarily an issue between her and her son (my husband). I am a participant as long as I choose to be. It's not my game and I can quit playing whenever I want to.

* I have played the game in order to see things about myself that I needed to see in order to be whole and aware.

* The game allowed me to use her as a scapegoat for my "perceived" inadquecies as a mother

* I have seen what I need to see, now I can let go

* I am prepared to take responsibility for the relationship I have with my daughter

My little girl came to work with me today. We bribed the maintenance crew to let her climb into the cockpit of a Boeing 727 (I work for TWA). She's happily singing and playing at my desk with her Legos as I write this. We're planning a mother-daughter trip to Denver next week.

Thank you all for your prayers, support and Reiki.

Blessings,

Herbmom

Namaste Herbmom
thank you for sharing the results of the interaction. Congratulations for finding the "lessons" and particularly that you don't have to play the game - yep it takes 2 or more to play/argue/whatever.
And I am so pleased that you are spending time with your daughter. She will surely remember this into the future with delight and love.
I think you are on the right track...the sins of the father/mother don't have to be visited on the children (whether that be you, your husband or your children). As you are very much aware, each and every one of us is needs to take responsibilty for our actions and how we interact with others - but we can only be responsible for ourselves TODAY.
Blessings to you and yours. It is a start, and a wonderful one at that.
Thanks again for sharing that positive and uplifting results.

In L&L
AR

Dear Herbmom,
Thanks for sharing your inspiring story. May we all learn our lessons well.
Love,
Feather

Bravo! You are articulate and also very intelligent. Your daughter is lucky to have a mom like you. Blessings to your family.

Thank you so much. I really needed to hear that! I wasn't going to go into this here, but now I feel the pull to do so.

For 8 years I have lived with tremendous guilt over my daughter's birth. She was very much wanted and planned for. Her gestation was a happy time for all of us.

However, labor went very wrong. 36 hours of excruciating pain with no anesthesia, flat on my back with every tube and probe imaginable caused me to be quite out of my mind. To top it off, I got very sick with a rare complication. She was born via emergency c-section. I was put under general anesthesia (the only safe option) and didn't get to see her for almost an hour after her birth.

During labor I remember being very angry, feeling abandoned and having lots of negative feelings toward my daughter. I didn't care what was best for her, or even if she was okay. I just wanted the pain to end. I spent 3 days in ICU after she was born. I was angry and resentful toward her, the nurses, my husband and family. Everyone was so caught up in Jennifer; I felt abandoned.

The feelings quickly subsided as my health improved and I became just as wrapped up in the wonder of this new little life. However, I never quite forgave myself for those initial feelings. I have judged myself very harshly for feelings I had during moments of life-threatening illness and uncontrollable pain.

The interaction with my mother-in-law has been in my life only to show me what I really thought about my own ability to mother. This most recent conflict finally brought these memories to surface where I could face them with love and compassion. It has changed my whole perspective. I can now be thankful for the gift that my mother-in-law has given me instead of being resentful toward her.

Herbmom

Dear Herbmom
Thank you so much for sharing your story - it really touched a chord with me. I too did not have the labour and delivery hoped and longed for and spent most of my daughters first year wracked with guilt etc. Oh we are so good at punishing ourselves and not celebrating the fact that we all are just doing our best. You and I have wonderful children who are a testament to our love and caring - that is wonderful, no? I found that once I allowed myself to grieve for the loss of what I had really wanted (or thought I wanted) but had not achieved - and let it go - the peace was incredible. It is wonderful that you have recognised the reason for your mother-in-law's relationship with you and I send you all blessings at this time.
Love, Light & Reiki Rainbows
Namaste
Eaglestar