I had to take some time to reply here. Kind words are truly empty for something of this magnitude.
I cannot ever truly know what Tonya is going through, only hinted at in those dark corners of my own Maternal fears.
The one thing that no doctor or parenting class ever taught me twenty years ago was about the fear that goes hand in glove with motherhood. From that exquisite moment of joy at birth, there appears an equal and immense adversary for that joy - fear. suddenly this little life is there to be protected and loved and we all know how fragile and risky life can be...... and no matter how hard I tried, the fear remained lurking every day, buried beneath the love and the joy.
Twenty years on .... I have more children, whose Father tried to take from me when he left. Again, I came so close to that fear, but never had to live it.
Tonya, my heart is with you. Dale, you understand this.
Please may I tell a story.
Many months ago, a Mother came into my friends' Angel shop where I was working for just one day, and was lingering around for some reason. After quite a while of supposed browsing, she took a phone call and I overheard her mention her handicapped son.
When she finally came to the counter to speak with me, I went against my abhorrence of people who listen in to others conversations, for some reason it felt all right to speak, so I spoke to her about it. The floodgates opened. This woman was in need of someone to talk to.
Yes she did have a handicapped son.
But it was also her daughter's 12th birthday, a daughter she had not seen for over three years, since her ex husband and his family had taken the girl (supoosedly to protect her from the handicapped child!) (This was close to home for me, as one of the reasons my ex wanted to take my two small children was to protect them from my older girl who was very violent during puberty, and was intellectually handicapped.)
This woman poured her heart out to me. She could not buy gifts or send a card because she did not know where the daughter was living. Even if she did, she felt they would be returned to her unopened. She wanted to show her daughter that she thought of her and loved her, but could not. She had no idea what the Father was telling this girl, she was so stuck, and had no money for lawyers or anything.
On this sad day, she found me, and I felt the huge weight of knowing that we had been brought together for a reason. My heart was breaking inside for her, and I prayed for something to offer her.
I told her to go out and buy a gift and a card.... to write in this card and wrap the gift. And to put it away at home because one day, it would be opened. I told her to also buy a journal or notebook or something pretty that she could write in. Then, I suggested she take herself to the coffee shop up the arcade from where I worked, sit down with a coffee and cake, and celebrate her daughter's birthday, and write down everything she was feeling.
Then, use that journal, to write letters to her daughter each time she felt compelled and was thinking of her. To tell her all that was in her heart, good, bad and otherwise.....
To write her love down, word by word, line by line, page by page..... because, as I told her, the bond is there between Mother and child and in the writing, the energy would be going out there to the one it was intended for. And somewhere out there, was a daughter wondering about her Mother, and one day, she would come....and she would have many questions, some not so pleasant. She would be seeking truth. The journal would be there to answer those questions. And to fill the hole that would have been growing in that daughter's heart during the absence of her mother. Like Tonya's case, I was certain that thios woman's child had no say in her removal from her Mother, that it was a decision made by other adults "for the good of the child". Somewhere in all of this, a child would be questioning and seeking answers.
And here before me, I told this sad woman, that each day, in the writing of her love, she would answer those questions. This journal would be her connection. Not only for her own healing, but for that day when her daughter came back to her and needed healing too.
By the time I had finished, both this lady and I were crying, but she went away.
Later that day, she came back into the shop, and it was like a dark cloud had lifted from her. she smiled and told me she had followed my suggestions, and though it had caused her to cry as she wrote the birthday card, and then in the journal, she now felt so much better, and she had something to do with the love that was in her heart.
I felt embarrassed when she thanked me, for it was not me that had come up with that advice, it was from somewhere beyond me, an answer to a prayer that I too was so grateful for.... some advice from the eternal Mother.
So, for Tonya, maybe this advice will be helpful in some small way.
She can wrap and save the gifts....they will be waiting until the day comes for her daughter to receive them. And the journal will be the letters, the motherly love and advice, the conversations that were missed, the gaps in their relationship. And it will be there to show her one day, that her Mother does love her, and does think of her daily.
Children work things out for themeselves over time. They question, and eventually they see the truth, however hard adults might direct them otherwise. I see so many one parent families, where another parent is alone with a breaking heart and cannot be with His/Her children. Somewhere in all of this, a child goes without something so very precious, even as the adult's heart is breaking too. One day, these children will come seeking answers, looking for that other half of their identity, and besides the love in a Mother's or Father's eyes, a journal of the time missed, will be the most valuable answer and gift, these kids will receive.
Many years ago, I a friend of mine in the USA whom I had stayed with on occasions, told me that her oldest two girls had been taken from her after her divorce, for no reason other than that their Father had the money and power to do so. I could not believe the heartache that this friend had endured over the years without her girls, and with little contact. But she was a loving woman who did not allow bitterness to cause her to give up. And eventually her daughters saw the truth and slowly came back to spend more time with her, till the point where I met them and could not tell that they had not been the closest loving family all along.
There is a world to be said for the power of a Mother's love and faith, and that the bonds created between a Mother and child can endure anything.
My prayers go to you, Tonya, that you can find some peace in your heart for now. Even in the sadness of your own Mother's passing, know that she too, will be there watching you and sending her love and thoughts, just as you send yours to your own daughter. Perhaps she will be the conduit of love that flows between your daughter and you.
All blessings.
Sunshiine
