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Help please! My name is Tanya. I have gone through a lot of crap, mostly when I was a kid/teen, that has made my adult life a real struggle.My dad left me for drugs when I was 5 months old, and because I thought babies were so great, I assumed I must have been a pretty un-lovable baby for someone to give me up. I was always a very sensitive and intuitive child, and if anyone had the slightest negative feelingtoward me, I could sense it, and I took it all very personally (I am still like this). I can remember even as young as 4 feeling bad about myself, feeling like there must be something wrong with me. When I was 3 & 4,
I was a very boisterous, outgoing child. But adults were annoyed by me, or at least that's how I perceived it, and I began to withdraw. When I was 5, a doctor told my mother I was overweight in front of me. I can remember exactly what I was wearing, and I can remember feeling fat and ugly for the first time. Over the next couple months, I put myself on a strict diet and exercise program and lost
20 lbs. Ever since I have had body image problems. In school I was always teased. In elementary school, it was because I was religious (I used to be Christian)
and because I wore unfashionable clothes because we were poor. Right before Jr. High I developed severe acne, and was developing sooner than the other girls, so I got a lot of bullying. I would sit in class all day, trying not to cough or even move, because everytime someone noticed
me, they would say something cruel. Usually about how ugly I was. Most of my school years were like prison. Aside from that, around age 7, I started noticing that my
friends enjoyed playing a lot more than I did, and I would often act like i was having fun to try to be
how I thought I was supposed to be. When I was 13, I met a boy who went to my school. I learned that I could get some "positive" attention from men by behaving sexually.
I started sleeping with this guy, although he wouldn't date me. He said it was embarassing to be seen with me, but I saw him anyways, because in my mind, if a guy would sleep with me, it made me somehow acceptable. By this point I thought I was the ugliest girl in school and I should be thanking my lucky stars that any guy would even look at me. To make him accept me, I lost 60 lbs, went on antibiotics for my acne, and dyed my hair blonde (that's what he said he liked). After this, he started calling me his girlfriend, and being seen publicly with me. In the meantime, he had started beating me. For almost 4 years I stayed with this person. He not only beat me in the typical sense, he tortured me almost daily. He would violently rape me, to the point where the blood seemed to just pour out of me. He would make me watch him kill and torture animals, he would tie me up, urinate on me, then leave me in the woods. These incidences became routine to me. Eventually I was able to get away. For the next 2 years, I drank heavily and abused prescription drugs and anti-depressants. Then, at age 19, I became pregnant. I stopped smoking, drinking, smoking pot and taking my antidepressants for the baby's health, and it was at this time my post-traumatic stress disorder symptoms surfaced. I began to feel physically as though I was being sexually violated whenever I saw or heard certain things. These things include (but are not limited to) yawning, hands, feet, socks, breathing. The person who triggers these feelings most is my mom, which breaks my heart because she is really my only adult friend. And no, my mother never sexually abused me. I think this might have something to do with the abuser saying sexually explicit things about my mother at an important stage of my sexual development. When these feelings began to surface, I wanted to kill myself because I felt like I must be a pervert. I still struggle with these suicidal feelings off and on. I often feel like just the fact that I have the capacity to have any sexual feelings about my mother means I am inherently wrong, or bad, or dirty. I have a lot of guilt and shame about this. I have been haunted by these horrible feelings for 10 years now (I am 27). What is worse, is I am starting to feel that way with my daughter, too. That really just kills me. I mean, I feel like I have to live for her, but sometimes I just wish it was all over. I have lots of other problems, too. I have obsessive compulsive disorder. I am obsessed with not feeling anything "down there". I wish I had no sensation in my vagina, because anything, be it an itch, or dryness, or excess moisture, or even the feeling of underwear is so distracting to me, that I will spend several minutes each time I go to the bathroom "adjusting". For this reason, last year I started concentrating my tea, so I could still have some caffeine, but not have to go to the bathroom as much. The concentrated tea gave me severe diarrhea and nausea, which lasted 7 months, because that's how long it took me to figure out that it was the tea that was making me sick. I also get chronic headaches (almost constant) and back, neck & shoulder tension and pain. I have polycystic ovarian disease which messes with my hormones and makes me tired most of the time. I have severe hyperhidrosis, which is excessive sweating. I have a sensory integration disorder (not diagnosed, but I know I have it). Basically, this means I am extremely sensitive to physical sensation. I can't wear shirts unless they have a v-neck, or it feels like I'm being choked, I can't wear most fabrics, as they feel like fiberglass aginst my skin. My hair even feels like fiberglass, and I wear my hair so that it doesn't touch my skin (am considering shaving it all off). I can't tolerate a draft and I can't stand being hot or cold. My socks and shoes have to feel exactly the same on both feet, or I feel like I'm on a tilt-a-whirl, I have to wear shoes all day, inside and out I can't do something and talk, or be spoken to at the same time. The smell of most perfumes, lotions and household cleaners makes me ill. I struggle not to sound irritable, because often I am just so physically uncomfortable, I am ready to snap. I have agorophobia and social anxiety disorder, and was barely able to leave the house for a couple of months this past fall. Beacause of this, and also because I have lived such an atypical life (and therefore have trouble relating to anyone) I have no friends, well, except my mom and daughter. Recently, I have been doing a bit better. I have discovered medicianal marijuana, and it has done wonders for my pain, anxiety and sweating. I have been able to get out more, too. The drawback is the cost. It costs about $200/month for the amount I need, which I can't afford, so I can't use it all the time, and have to schedule my life around when I can afford it. Although things are getting better, it is still a big struggle sometimes just to get up. I don't want my illness to negatively impact my daughter. There is a lot I want to do in my life, too, that my conditions interfere with. I want to write professionally, and be a professional artist. I want to someday be financially self-sufficient (I am on disability, now) I feel I have so much to offer and share, and that I could help many people. I know that we are here to learn, and that my experiences are not accidental. I accept that this may be something I have to endure in order to evolve spiritually, however, I ask that you pray for me. That if I have learned enough from this suffering, that maybe I can have some releif, or at least more strength to endure it, or further insight into the lessons I need to learn, so this suffering can end sooner because I am exhausted. I know that maybe I still must face more, but I feel like I could be doing a lot more for the world, for myself and my family if I didn't have these burdens to bear. I ask for healing, insight and for more strength and courage. I also ask for help in loving accepting and forgiving myself, and for healing of my inner child. I know as a child I accepted many of the negative messages I received about myself, and now, even though on a rational level I have rejected those messages, and I know I'm a good, worthy person, there is a part of me deep inside that will not beleive this, and it is this wounded part of me that is causing much of my pain today. Please, please help.
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